The Big Bang Theory


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Season 1 - Episode 01 - Pilot

BBT pilot

Leonard first sets his eyes on Penny.

Scene A corridor at a sperm bank. 
Sheldon So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it’s unobserved it will, however, if it’s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard Agreed, what’s your point?
Sheldon There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a tee-shirt.
Leonard Excuse me?
Receptionist Hang on.
Leonard One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc’s capital idea, that’s Port-au-Prince. Haiti.
Receptionist Can I help you?
Leonard Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?
Receptionist If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t be here.
Sheldon I think this is the place.
Receptionist Fill these out.
Leonard Thank-you. We’ll be right back.
Receptionist Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh, wait.
(They sit and begin to fill in forms).
Sheldon Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.
Leonard What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro.
Sheldon No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.
Leonard Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.
Sheldon I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.
Leonard I’m sure she’ll still love him.
Sheldon I wouldn’t.
Leonard Well, what do you want to do?
Sheldon I want to leave.
Leonard Okay.
Sheldon What’s the protocol for leaving?
Leonard I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.
Sheldon Let’s try just walking out.
Leonard Okay.
Receptionist Bye.
Sheldon Bye-bye
Leonard See you.
Scene The stairs of the apartment building.
Sheldon Are you still mad about the sperm bank?
Leonard No.
Sheldon You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard Not really.
Sheldon If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.
Leonard I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right.
Sheldon No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.
Leonard Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon No, that was the result of my work with lasers.
Leonard New neighbor?
Sheldon Evidently.
Leonard Significant improvement over the old neighbor.
Sheldon Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.
Penny Oh, hi!
Leonard Hi.
Sheldon Hi.
Leonard Hi.
Sheldon Hi.
Penny Hi?
Leonard We don’t mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.
Penny Oh, that’s nice.
Leonard Oh… uh… no… we don’t live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.
Penny Oh, okay, well, guess I’m your new neighbor, Penny.
Leonard Leonard, Sheldon.
Penny Hi.
Leonard Hi.
Sheldon Hi.
Penny Hi.
Leonard Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building.
Penny Thank you, maybe we can have coffee sometime.
Leonard Oh, great.
Penny Great.
Sheldon Great.
Leonard Great. Well, bye.
Penny Bye.
Sheldon Bye.
Leonard Bye.
Leonard Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon No. We’re going to start Season Two of "Battlestar Galactica".
Leonard We already watched the Season Two DVDs.
Sheldon Not with commentary.
Leonard I think we should be good neighbors, invite her over, make her feel welcome.
Sheldon We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.
Leonard Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon That’s the beauty of it.
Leonard I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.
Leonard Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says, and then you say something appropriate in response.
Sheldon To what end?
Leonard Hi. Again.
Penny Hi.
Sheldon Hi.
Leonard Hi.
Penny Hi.
Leonard Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
Penny Oh, you’re inviting me over to eat?
Leonard Uh, yes.
Penny Oh, that’s so nice, I’d love to.
Leonard Great.
Penny So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Credits sequence
Scene Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Leonard Okay, well, make yourself at home.
Penny Okay, thank you.
Leonard You’re very welcome.
Penny This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?
Sheldon Actually that’s my work.
Penny Wow.
Sheldon Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny So you’re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.
Sheldon Yeah.
Penny This is really impressive.
Leonard I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny Holy smokes.
Sheldon If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.
Leonard What?
Sheldon Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”
Leonard At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon I didn’t invent them, they’re there.
Leonard In what universe?
Sheldon In all of them, that is the point.
Penny Uh, do you guys mind if I start?
Sheldon Um, Penny... that’s where I sit.
Penny So, sit next to me.
Sheldon ... No, I sit there.
Penny What’s the difference?
Sheldon "What’s the difference"?
Leonard Here we go.
Sheldon In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.
Penny Do you want me to move?
Sheldon Well-
Leonard Just sit somewhere else.
Sheldon Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)
Leonard Sheldon, sit!
Sheldon Aaah!
Leonard Well, this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over.
Sheldon That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time.
Leonard Yes, I know, but…
Sheldon Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.
Leonard Yes, I remember.
Sheldon I resent you saying we don’t have company.
Leonard I’m sorry.
Sheldon That is an antisocial implication.
Leonard I said I’m sorry.
Penny So, Klingon boggle?
Leonard Yeah, it’s like regular boggle, but in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.
Penny Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.
Penny Participate in the what?
Leonard I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.
Penny Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak.
Sheldon That’s interesting. Leonard can’t process corn.
Leonard Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?
Penny Oh, yeah, I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.
Sheldon You’re lactose intolerant.
Leonard I don’t eat it, I just think it’s a good idea.
Penny Oh, anyways, I’m also writing a screenplay. It’s about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard So it’s based on your life?
Penny No, I’m from Omaha.
Leonard Well, if that was a movie I would go see it.
Penny I know, right? Okay, let’s see, what else? Um, that’s about it. That’s the story of Penny.
Leonard Well it sounds wonderful.
Penny It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk.
Sheldon  (Mouths) What’s happening.
Leonard  (Mouths back) I don’t know.
Penny Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that’s like as long as High School.
Sheldon It took you four years to get through High School?
Leonard Don’t.
Penny I just, I can’t believe I trusted him.
Leonard Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.
Sheldon You? No, you’ll only make it worse.
Penny You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?
Sheldon Yes.
Leonard No, it’s not crazy it’s, uh, uh, it’s a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn’t make it worse.
Penny Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess, and on top of everything else I’m all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn’t even work.
Leonard Our shower works.
Penny Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon Yes.
Leonard No.
Sheldon No?
Leonard No.
Sheldon No.
Leonard It’s right down the hall.
Penny Thanks. You guys are really sweet.
Sheldon Well this is an interesting development.
Leonard How so?
Sheldon It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.
Leonard That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode.
Sheldon Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out.
Leonard The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
Sheldon So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?
Leonard Excuse me?
Sheldon That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.
Leonard Well I’m not trying to have sex with her.
Sheldon Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.
Leonard What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female?
Sheldon Yes, but not of the same species.
Leonard I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbor.
Sheldon Oh, of course.
Leonard That’s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn’t participate. However briefly.
Sheldon Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?
Leonard It’s Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalker’s the conditioner.
Howard Wait till you see this.
Raj It’s fantastic. Unbelievable.
Leonard See what?
Howard It’s a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard This is not a good time.
Howard It’s before he became a creepy computer voice
Leonard That’s great, you guys have to go.
Raj Why?
Leonard It’s just not a good time.
Sheldon Leonard has a lady over.
Howard Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town?
Leonard No. And she’s not a lady, she’s just a new neighbor.
Howard Hang on, there really is a lady here?
Leonard Uh-huh.
Howard And you want us out because you’re anticipating coitus?
Leonard I’m not anticipating coitus.
Howard So she’s available for coitus?
Leonard Can we please stop saying coitus?
Sheldon Technically that would be coitus interruptus.
Penny Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower? Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!
Howard Enchante, Madamoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it’s currently orbiting Jupiter’s largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs.
Penny Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard Come on, I’ll show you the trick with the shower.
Howard Bonne douche.
Penny I’m sorry?
Howard It’s French for good shower. It’s a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard Save it for your blog, Howard.
Howard See-ka-tong-guay-jow.
Scene In the bathroom.
Leonard Uh, there it goes, it sticks, I’m sorry.
Penny Okay. Thanks.
Leonard You’re welcome, oh, you’re going to step right, okay, I’ll….
Penny Hey, Leonard?
Leonard The hair products are Sheldon’s.
Penny Um, okay. Can I ask you a favor?
Leonard A favor? Sure, you can ask me a favor, I would do you a favor for you.
Penny It’s okay if you say no.
Leonard Oh, I’ll probably say yes.
Penny It’s just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you’ve just met.
Leonard Wow.
Scene Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonard’s car
Sheldon I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard Must we?
Sheldon Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Sheldon Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.
Leonard Which is?
Sheldon You think with your penis.
Leonard That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to come.
Sheldon Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.
Leonard Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.
Sheldon No, I don’t. And neither do you.
Leonard Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.
Sheldon You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.
Leonard To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
Sheldon So we get to have a scene with him?
Leonard No, Sheldon, there’s not going to be a scene. There’s two of us and one of him.
Sheldon Leonard, the two of us can’t even carry a TV.
Scene Back at the apartment.
Penny  (To Raj) So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the University?
(Raj looks at her, looks back at his food, takes a mouthful).
Penny Uh, I’m sorry, do you speak English?
Howard Oh, he speaks English, he just can’t speak to women.
Penny Really, why?
Howard He’s kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Scene Outside Penny’s old apartment building.
Leonard  (Pushes buzzer) I’ll do the talking.
Voice from buzzer Yeah.
Leonard Hi, I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon Hello.
Leonard What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV.
Voice Get lost.
Sheldon Okay, thanks for your time.
Leonard We’re not going to give up just like that.
Sheldon Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
Leonard Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.
Sheldon My apologies. What’s your plan.
(Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.)
Sheldon It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.
Leonard Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)
Sheldon What do you think their combined IQ is?
Leonard Just grab the door.
Scene Outside Penny’s ex-boyfriend’s apartment.
Leonard This is it. (Knocks.) I’ll do the talking.
Sheldon Good thinking, I’ll just be the muscle.
Kurt Yeah?
Leonard I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon From the intercom.
Kurt How the hell did you get in the building?
Leonard Oh. We’re scientists.
Sheldon Tell him about our IQ.
Scene Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They are not wearing trousers.
Sheldon Leonard.
Leonard What?
Sheldon My mom bought me those pants.
Leonard I’m sorry.
Sheldon You’re going to have to call her.
Scene On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard’s building.
Leonard Sheldon, I’m so sorry I dragged you through this.
Sheldon It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.
Leonard And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.
Sheldon Well you got me out of my pants.
Leonard Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone.
Sheldon Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.
Leonard Thank you Sheldon, you’re a good friend.
Sheldon And you’re certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.
Scene Inside Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Howard This is one of my favorite places to kick back after a quest, they have a great house ale.
Penny Wow, cool tiger.
Howard Yeah, I’ve had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.
Penny Uh, sounds interesting.
Howard So you’ll think about it?
Penny Oh, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop thinking about it.
Raj Smooth.
Leonard We’re home.
Penny Oh, my God, what happened?
Leonard Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory.
Penny I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.
Leonard No, it was a valid hypothesis.
Sheldon That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?
Penny Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?
Leonard Really? Great.
Sheldon Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?
Leonard Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon Not to mention imaginary.
Scene All five in Leonard’s car.
Leonard Is Thai food okay with you Penny?
Penny Sure.
Sheldon We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.
Penny So?
Sheldon They’re both curry based cuisines.
Penny So?
Sheldon They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going to have to spell out everything for this girl.
Penny Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.)
Howard Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.
Penny That sounds like fun.
Howard (sings) Baby, baby don’t get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don’t get hooked on me.
Sheldon I don’t know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you’re a veritable Mack Daddy.

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