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Season 2 - Episode 03 - The Barbarian Sublimation

Barbarian Sublimation

Game addicted Penny.

Scene Apartment 4A. Sheldon is on the sofa, using his laptop. He is wearing a headset.
Sheldon Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel’s fortress. Now this is a long run, so let’s do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we’ll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.)Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Penny Yes, I can’t get my stupid door open.
Sheldon You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?
Penny Yeah!
Sheldon Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.)
Penny Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.
Sheldon Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
Penny I can’t get the damned key out.
Sheldon Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a center cylinder system.
Penny Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Penny Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?
Sheldon Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….
Penny I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.
Penny (Picking up the bag she has just repacked, whereupon the bottom falls out and the groceries fall to the floor again) Oh, sonofabitch!
Sheldon I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
Penny I did, and he said he’ll get here when he gets here.
Sheldon And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
Penny No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like flies! (Bursts into tears.)
Sheldon There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
Penny No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old.
Sheldon Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.)
Penny For God’s sake! (Stomps into apartment.)
Sheldon Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of sarcasm.
Credits sequence
Scene Inside the apartment.
Sheldon Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon’s place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online.
Penny Sheldor?
Sheldon The Conqueror.
Penny What are you doing?
Sheldon AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.
Penny Oh.
Sheldon Sheldor, back online.
Penny What’s AFK?
Sheldon AFK. Away from keyboard.
Penny OIC.
Sheldon What does that stand for?
Penny Oh, I see?
Sheldon Yes, but what does it stand for?
Scene The stairwell. Leonard arrives and sees the spilled groceries. A cat is lapping at a spilled pot of ice-cream. Cut to inside. Penny now has the laptop, Sheldon is instructing her.
Sheldon Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.
Penny Oh, I don’t know. Can I see them in another color?
Sheldon Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.
Leonard What’s going on?
Penny Leonard, guess what, I’m a level three warrior.
Leonard Great, you know there are groceries outside of your apartment?
Penny Yeah yeah yeah, shhh!
Leonard I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.
Penny Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?
Sheldon It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.
Penny Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?
Sheldon You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.
Leonard Want to catch me up?
Sheldon Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.
Leonard Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?
Penny Oh my God, a treasure chest, I’m rich!
Sheldon Level three and she thinks she’s rich! What a noob.
Scene The apartment. Raj is pouring a white liquid into the main dish of a stereo speaker covered in cling film.
Raj Okay, we’re all set.
Howard Let her rip.
(Leonard turns on stereo with a remote. Rhythmic bass-heavy music plays. The liquid begins dancing on the speaker.)
Penny (Entering, carrying a laptop) Hi!
Leonard Hey, check it out, it’s just corn starch and water.
Sheldon They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.
Howard That’s what makes it get all funky.
Penny Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon.
Howard (After Raj whispers in his ear) No, that’s what she said, Sheldon.
Penny Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain.
Sheldon Do you have the enchanted sword?
Penny No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger.
Sheldon You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.
Penny Alright, alright, how do I get the sword?
Sheldon Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?
Penny Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?
Sheldon No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)
Penny Thank you, I really appreciate this.
Sheldon You’re going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.
Penny Don’t patronize me, just get the sword.
Howard What the frak?
Leonard Beats me. They were playing all last night too.
Raj It’s like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?
Leonard No, that’s Marcie. Peppermint Patty’s just athletic.
Sheldon There you go, one enchanted sword.
Penny Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves).
Sheldon That girl needs to get a life.
Scene Sheldon’s bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Penny enters.
Penny (Whispering) Sheldon. (Sing-song) Shel-don.
Sheldon Danger, danger.
Penny No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?
Sheldon You’re in my bedroom.
Penny Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key.
Sheldon People can’t be in my bedroom.
Penny Okay, well can we go talk in the living room?
Sheldon I’m not wearing pajama bottoms.
Penny Why not?
Sheldon I spilled grape juice.
Penny Well, wear different pajamas.
Sheldon I can’t wear different pajamas, these are my Monday pajamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.
Penny Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?
Sheldon You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?
Penny Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I’m just not sure it’s the right move for my character.
Sheldon Of course it’s not, you’re only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.
Penny Really? Boy, you’d think you could trust a horde of Hungarian barbarians.
Cut to Leonard, exiting his bedroom.
Sheldon (Off) Please Penny, enough, I have to sleep.
Penny (Off) Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don’t got in Sheldon’s room, he’s not wearing bottoms.
Leonard (Knocking on door) Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?
Scene Dr Gablehauser’s office at Caltech. Sheldon and Leslie are standing across the desk.
Gablehauser People, I am very busy today.
Sheldon I realize that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes.
Gablehauser Fine. Dr Winkle, what colorful name did you call Dr Cooper this time?
Leslie Dr Dumbass.
Gablehauser Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologizes.
Sheldon No she doesn’t.
Leslie No I don’t.
Sheldon Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.
Leslie It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months.
Sheldon If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!
Gablehauser You need to get that Dr Cooper?
Sheldon God, no.
Leslie Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.
Sheldon Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…
Gablehauser (As phone rings) Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon)It’s for you.
Sheldon Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you’re not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can’t log on and help you. We’ll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I’m not getting the computing time, am I?
Leslie Dumbass.
Scene The apartment. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.
Leonard Why should I do something, you’re the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.
Leonard Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone.
Sheldon I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.
Leonard Well, what am I supposed to do?
Sheldon I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.
Leonard You mean, up until now we’ve been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon?
Sheldon Yes.
Leonard I’ll go talk to her.
Scene Penny’s apartment. She is on her laptop and talking into a headset.
Penny No, Fritz, I need you on my flank. No, I don’t know German. Flankenzie, flankenzie!
Leonard (Knocking and entering) Hey Penny.
Penny Busy.
Leonard Yeah, I see that. Shouldn’t you be at work?
Penny I don’t work on Mondays.
Leonard It’s Thursday. Listen, Penny.
Penny Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?
Leonard Okay, um, here’s the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted.
Penny Yeah, get to the point, I’m about to level up here.
Leonard Well, i-i-i-it’s just if a person doesn’t have a sense of achievement in their real life it’s easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.
Penny Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope’s back online.
Leonard Penny, you’ve got cheetos in your hair.
Penny (Pulling cheeto out of hair) Oh, thanks. (Eats it.)
Leonard Wow.
Scene Same – later. Penny is attacking a multi-headed monster with a sword on the screen.A muscular warrior in a cape walks onto the screen.
Warrior Hey Penny, it’s me again, Leonard.
Penny- warrior Leonard, I said not now.
Leonard-warrior Yeah, I know, I’m just a little concerned about you.
Penny-warrior I said not now. (Chops off his head.)
Leonard-warrior’s head Okay, maybe later.
Scene The university lunch room.
Raj Hey guys.
Leonard and Howard Hey.
Raj (Indicating Sheldon) Hey, what’s with him?
Leonard Penny’s been keeping him up at night.
Howard Me too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard She’s gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she’s playing non-stop.
Raj Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.
Leonard Sheldon, wake up.
Sheldon Danger, danger.
Leslie (Arriving) Afternoon men. Sheldon.
Sheldon Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.
Leslie Right, I heard you’ve been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie.
Sheldon She comes into my room. No-one’s supposed to be in my room.
Leslie Well, I would postulate that she’s escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual frustration.
Howard I do that too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard That’s not what she’s doing, Leslie, she’s just trying to shore up her self esteem, it has nothing to do with sex.
Leslie Everything has to do with sex.
Howard Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a hand slap.)
Leslie I’m not touching that.
Leonard Leslie, you are way off base here.
Sheldon Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.
Leslie Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
Sheldon Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.
Howard I’ll take the bullet.
Leonard Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.
Sheldon Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
Man No.
Sheldon Would you like to be?
Man Uh, sure, why not?
Leonard Sheldon…
Sheldon Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?
Man Uh… (checks out Sheldon’s package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon’s hand.)
Sheldon There, problem solved.
Leslie Dumbass.
Scene Penny’s flat. Penny is on her laptop. Everything around her is littered with empty food packaging and red bull cans. She burps loudly. Sheldon is sitting on the sofa.
Penny Okay, I’m at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I’m going in.
Sheldon Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.
Penny Got it.
Sheldon I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?
Penny 22.
Sheldon Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)
Penny Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?
Sheldon What happened to the rest of your group?
Penny I dumped them, they’re a bunch of wussies.
Sheldon Frenzy stance.
Penny Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy!
Sheldon So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?
Penny What?
Sheldon These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.
Penny Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die!
Sheldon Drink a healing potion.
Penny Thank you.
Sheldon You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?
Penny That’s on the registration?
Sheldon Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.
Penny Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I’m a big old five.
Sheldon Good to know. Big old five.
Scene The apartment. Leonard enters. There is a strange man sitting on the sofa.
Leonard Hello.
Man Hi.
Sheldon Leonard, this is Tom.
Leonard Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?
Sheldon Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.
Leonard Chosen by science?
Sheldon Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.
Leonard You got Penny to sign up for online dating?
Sheldon No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.
Leonard This is bad.
Sheldon Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.
Leonard Really, really bad.
Sheldon I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.
Penny (Entering, looking ratty in baggy clothes and with her hair unwashed) Sheldon, what do you want.
Sheldon Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny.
Tom Hi Penny.
Penny Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank.
Sheldon Can we talk about this later.
Penny No, no, no, no, I need you now.
Sheldon But wouldn’t you prefer to socialize with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman.
Penny Whatever, I’ll figure it out myself.
Tom Bye, Penny. I’m sorry, dude, she didn’t look anything like her picture.
Leonard They never do.
Scene Inside the game. Penny-warrior is standing next to a battle horse.
Warrior Hello, fair Penny.
Penny-warrior Who are you?
Warrior It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?
Penny-warrior Yeah, sure, why not?
Penny Oh my God, I need help. (Closes laptop and throws it away.)

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