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Transcripts/The Bat Jar Conjecture

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Season 1 - Episode 13 - The Bat Jar Conjecture    


Sheldon gets a Batman cookie jar.

Scene Apartment 4A. Howard is looking at his mobile phone.
Howard Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There’s going to be a scene depicting Spock’s birth.
Raj I’d be more interested in a scene depicting Spock’s conception.
Sheldon Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it’s an extremely private matter.
Leonard Still, I’d like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn’t just conceive.
Howard Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Imagine Spock’s dad in a little room with a copy of pointy ears and shapely rears.
Raj How come on Star Trek everybody’s private parts are the same. No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, hey, get your thing out of my nose.
Penny (Entering) Hi, can you help me, I was writing an email and the A key got stuck. Now it’s just going “aaaaaaa”.
Leonard What did you spill on it?
Penny Nothing. Diet coke. And yoghurt. A little nail polish.
Leonard I’ll take a look at it.
Howard Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news. Fishman, Chen, Chowdry, McNair aren’t fielding a team in the University Physics Bowl this year.
Leonard You’re kidding, why not?
Howard They formed a barbershop quartet, and got a gig playing Knotsberry Farm.
Penny Wow, so in your world, you’re like, the cool guys.
Howard Recognize.
Leonard This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod.
Penny Zod?
Howard Kryptonian villain. Long story.
Raj Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.)
Sheldon Well count me out.
Howard What? Why?
Sheldon You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
Leonard Come on, you need a four person team, we’re four people.
Sheldon By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.
Penny I want tickets to that please.
Leonard Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock’s dying words to you.
Sheldon No, don’t.
Leonard The needs of the many.
Howard Outweigh the needs of the few.
Sheldon Or the one. Dammit, I’ll do it.
Credits sequence
Scene The cafeteria.
Raj Okay. First order of physics bowl business. We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions.
Howard How about the perpetual motion squad? It’s beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies.
Leonard The ladies?
Howard Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night.
Raj I like it.
Sheldon I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.
Raj Then we can be the Bengal Tigers.
Sheldon Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
Raj Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass.
Leonard Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour….
Sheldon Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.
Leonard Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?
Sheldon I will yield.
Leonard After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?
Sheldon He does.
Leonard I move we are the Army Ants, all those in favour?
Scene Apartment 4A
Penny Good afternoon, and welcome to today’s physics bowl practice round. I’m Penny, and I’ll be your host, because apparently I didn’t have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn’t that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?
Leonard Yes.
Sheldon Of course.
Howard Fire away. (Raj puts his thumb up.)
Penny You know, it’s none of my business, but isn’t a guy who can’t speak in front of women going to hold you back a little?
Leonard Oh, uh, he’ll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they’re one on one and smell nice.
Penny Oh, thanks Raj, it’s vanilla oil.
Leonard I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let’s just start.
Penny Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper.
Sheldon And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds.
Penny That is correct.
Leonard I knew that too.
Penny Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard.
Sheldon And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.
Penny Right.
Howard Hey, I buzzed in.
Sheldon But I answered, it’s called teamwork.
Howard Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
Sheldon By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal. 
Leonard Just ask another one.
Penny Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.)
Sheldon And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.
Leonard Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon Why?
Penny Because it’s polite.
Sheldon What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.
Sheldon The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them?
Howard Some of us might have the correct answers too.
Sheldon Oh please, you don’t even have a PhD.
Howard Alright, that’s it.
Leonard Howard, sit down.
Howard Okay.
Leonard maybe we should take a little break.
Sheldon Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.
Howard (After Raj whispers in his ear) I agree.
Penny What did he say?
Howard He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer’s eve.
Penny Yeah, and the bag it came in.
Scene The same, later. Sheldon is on his laptop. Leonard enters.
Sheldon Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something.
Leonard Can it wait, I need to talk to you.
Sheldon Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colors are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.
Leonard Why do they say AA?
Sheldon Army Ants.
Leonard Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.
Sheldon Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminum?
Leonard No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!
Sheldon Oh neat, what’s the occasion?
Leonard Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team.
Sheldon What?
Leonard Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting.
Sheldon No you didn’t.
Leonard Yes we did, I just came from it.
Sheldon Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet.
Leonard Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team.
Sheldon Why?
Leonard Because you’re taking all the fun out of it.
Sheldon Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?
Leonard Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more.
Sheldon I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Leonard Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon You’re welcome. One more thing.
Leonard Yes.
Sheldon It’s on, bitch.
Scene The cafeteria.
Howard So who’d he get to be on his team.
Leonard He won’t say. He just smiles, and eats macaroons out of his bat jar.
Raj He’s using psychological warfare. We must reply in kind. I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like, yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you.
Leonard How exactly would that laugh go?
Raj Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard That sounds more like, we are a tall thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians.
Leonard Guys, let’s remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my room mate.
Howard So?
Leonard So nothing, let’s destroy him.
Sheldon (Walking past) Gentlemen.
Raj Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard Okay, we’re going to need a strong fourth for our team.
Raj You know who’s apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV’s Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
Leonard Raj, we’re not getting TV’s Blossom to join our physics bowl team.
Raj How about the girl from the Wonder Years?
Howard Gentlemen, I believe I’ve found the solution to all our problems.
Leonard We can’t ask Leslie Winkle.
Raj Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night’s chutney?
Leonard Yes.
Howard Sometimes you’ve got to take one for the team.
Raj Yeah. Sack up, dude.
Leonard Fine. Here I go, taking one for the team. In the sack. Hey Leslie.
Leslie Hi guys.
Leonard Leslie, I have a question for you, and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I…
Howard Hit that thang.
Leslie Leonard, there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we’ve seen each other’s faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus.
Leonard There’s not? Gee, cos it sure sounds like there should be.
Leslie Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance, are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom.
Leonard That’s all very comforting, but if it’s okay, I’d like to get on with my question now.
Leslie Proceed.
Leonard We are entering the physics bowl and we need a fourth for our team.
Leslie No thanks, I’m really busy with my like sign dilepton super symmetry search.
Howard Dilepton, schmilepton, we need you.
Leslie Sorry.
Howard Well, we tried. Just have to face Sheldon mano-e-mano-e-mano. A-mano.
Leslie Wait, you’re going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Howard Yes.
Leslie That arrogant, misogynistic East-Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing?
Leonard She’s in.
Scene The Physics Bowl.
Penny So, how do you feel? Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on? (The guys look confused.) Are you ready?
Leonard Oh, yeah. You know you don’t have to stay for the whole thing.
Penny Oh, no, no, I want to. It sounds really interesting.
Sheldon (Entering in his Star Trek themed shirt) Gentlemen.
Leonard Sheldon.
Howard Sheldon.
Raj Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.
Penny Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down.
Leonard So, is that your team.
Sheldon Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?
Leslie Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon Leslie Winkle?
Leslie Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?
Sheldon Yes, well, I’m polymerised tree sap and you’re non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you.
Leslie Oh, ouch.
Dr Gablehouser Okay, if everyone could please take your seats.
Leonard Here’s your tee-shirt. (Hands her a tee-shirt with PMS on it. Takes jacket off to reveal similar.)
Leslie PMS? It’s a couple of days early, but…
Leonard No, it stands for Perpetual Motion Squad.
Leslie Oh, right, of course, what was I thinking?
Gablehouser Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to this year’s physics bowl. Today’s preliminary match features two great teams… AA versus PMS.
Howard All night long, y’all! (Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads “We Can Go All Night”.)
Gablehouser Okay, well let’s jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS?
Leonard The Eta Meson.
Gablehouser Correct.
Sheldon Formal protest.
Gablehouser On what grounds?
Sheldon The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Gablehouser Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA?
Sheldon And of course, the answer is Technetium.
Gablehouser Terrific. Next question, what is the force between two uncharged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuation. (Buzz) PMS?
Raj Sheldon can suck on, the Casimir Effect.
Gablehouser Correct.
(Time shift)
Gablehouser How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS?
Leslie Shor’s Algorithm.
Gablehouser Correct.
(Time shift)
Sheldon 4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.
(Time shift)
Leonard Prevost’s theory of exchanges.
(Time shift)
Sheldon Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N
(Time shift)
Howard 760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.
Gablehouser Mr Wolowitz, this is your second warning.
(Time shift)
Sheldon A sigma particle.
(Time shift)
Leslie Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the earth.
Gablehouser Correct. Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the final question. The score now stands AA 1150, PMS 1175. So, for one hundred points, and the match, please turn your attention to the formula on the screens. Solve the equation.
Raj Holy crap.
Leonard What the hell is that.
Howard It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
Leonard Come on, think, Leslie.
Leslie Leonard, it’s not going to work if you rush me, you have to let me get there.
Leonard You’re never going to let that go, are you?
Gablehouser Ten seconds. (Buzz) PMS.
Leonard Sorry, I panicked.
Howard Then guess.
Leonard Um, eight. (Gablehouser stares at him.) Point four.
Gablehouser I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.
Howard He doesn’t have it. He’s got squat.
(Sheldon looks more and more uncomfortable, so much he is involuntarily twitching.)
Gablehouser AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)
Third Floor Janitor The answer is minus eight by alpha.
Sheldon Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?
Third Floor Janitor Answering question. Winning physics bowl.
Sheldon How do you know anything about physics?
Third Floor Janitor Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Polytechnica. Go Polar Bears.
Sheldon Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.
Third Floor Janitor You didn’t answer question.
Sheldon Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!
Gablehouser AA, I need your official answer.
Sheldon Well it’s not what he said.
Gablehouser Then what is it?
Sheldon I want a different question.
Gablehouser You can’t have a different question.
Sheldon Formal protest.
Gablehouser Denied.
Sheldon Informal protest.
Gablehouser Denied. I need your official answer.
Sheldon No. I decline to provide one.
Gablehouser Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
Sheldon That’s your opinion.
Gablehouser Alright, the winner of the match is…
Leonard Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team.
Sheldon I don’t understand the question.
Leonard Go ahead.
Gablehouser The winner is PMS!
(We Are The Champions by Queen plays as the team celebrate in slow motion and Sheldon puts his head in his hands. The celebration ends with Howard on his knees ripping his shirt in half and waving it round his head before throwing it to the audience.)
Scene Apartment 4A. Sheldon goes to sit in his spot.
Leonard Sorry, somebody’s sitting there.
Sheldon Who?
Leonard My Physics Bowl Trophy!
Sheldon That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win.
Leonard I know someone who would disagree.
Sheldon Who?
Leonard My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) “Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?”
Sheldon Alright that is very immature.
Leonard You’re right, I’m sorry. (In voice, waving trophy in Sheldon’s face) I’m not!
Penny (Entering) Okay, new contest.
Leonard What are you doing?
Penny I’m settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready?
Sheldon Absolutely.
Leonard Bring it on.
Penny Okay. Marsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters of what TV family? (They stare at her.) The Brady Bunch. Okay, Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?
Sheldon (After they look at each other in confusion) The Brady Bunch?
Penny Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn!
Leonard How do you know these things?
Penny I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive?
Sheldon William Shatner.
Leonard Wait, I don’t think it’s Shatner.
Sheldon Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart.
Penny No.
Sheldon Formal protest.
Penny Alright, singer who sang “Oops I Did It Again.” (Sheldon starts involuntarily twitching again.) Okay, Tweetie Bird, taught he taw a what?
Sheldon (After they pass a smug look between each other) Romulan.
Penny Yes. He taught he taw a Romulan.
(Sheldon and Leonard do a victory hand slide.)

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