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Season 1 - Episode 02 - The Big Bran Hypothesis

Sarcasm

First time Penny goes ballistic! Sheldon cleaned her apartment.

Scene Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are present.
Leonard There you go, Pad Thai, no peanuts.
Howard But does it have peanut oil?
Leonard Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.
Sheldon Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.
Raj Are there any chopsticks?
Sheldon You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.
Leonard Here we go.
Sheldon Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don’t actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.
Leonard Ask him for a napkin, I dare you. (There is a knock on the door.) I’ll get it.
Howard Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.
Penny Hey Leonard.
Leonard Oh, hi Penny.
Penny Am I interrupting?
Leonard No.
Sheldon (Off) You’re not swelling, Howard.
Howard (Off) No, no, look at my fingers, they’re like Vienna sausages!
Penny Sounds like you have company.
Leonard They’re not going anywhere. (Closes door, staying in hallway.) So, you’re coming home from work. That’s great. How was work?
Penny Well, you know, it’s the Cheesecake Factory. People order cheesecake, and I bring it to them.
Leonard So, you kind of act as like a carbohydrate delivery system.
Penny Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage. Yeah, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something, I was….
Leonard Yes.
Penny Oh. Okay, great, I’m having some furniture delivered tomorrow, and I may not be here, so…. (apartment door opens, Sheldon, Raj and Howard appear) Oh! Hel…hello!
Howard (Speaks a phrase in Russian).
Penny I’m sorry?
Howard Haven’t you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?
Penny No, I haven’t.
Howard Get used to it.
Penny Yeah, I probably won’t, but… Hey Sheldon.
Sheldon Hi.
Penny Hey Raj! (Raj looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?
Sheldon Don’t take it personally, it’s his pathology, he can’t talk to women.
Howard He can’t talk to attractive women, or in your case a cheesecake–scented Goddess!
Leonard So, there’s gonna be some furniture delivered?
Penny Yeah, yeah, if it gets here and I’m not here tomorrow could you just sign for it and have them put it in my apartment.
Leonard Yeah, no problem.
Penny Great, here’s my spare key. Thank you.
Leonard Penny, wait.
Penny Yeah?
Leonard Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon You’re kidding, right?
Penny Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?
Leonard, Sheldon and Howard One. (Raj raises one finger).
Sheldon You realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.
Penny Yes, I know, men can’t fly.
Sheldon Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Leonard Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.
Leonard Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from exposure to Earth’s yellow Sun.
Howard Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night?
Sheldon Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Penny I’m just going to go wash up.
Leonard I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
Sheldon Challenge accepted. (Tries door.) We’re locked out.
Raj Also, the pretty girl left.
Scene Ground floor hallway of the apartment building. Leonard is signing for the delivery.
Leonard Okay, her apartment’s on the fourth floor but the elevator’s broken so you’re going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you’re just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we’ll just bring it up ourselves.
Sheldon I hardly think so.
Leonard Why not?
Sheldon Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter of… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this.
Sheldon Archimedes would be so proud.
Leonard Do you have any ideas?
Sheldon Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.
Leonard Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.
Sheldon Exactly half.
Leonard (Snarkily) Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math.
Sheldon What’s your formula for the corner.
Leonard What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.
Sheldon Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
Sheldon You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Leonard Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon Yeah, those are men who just had sex.
Leonard I’m doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there’s no way it could lower the odds.
Leonard Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down)
Sheldon No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not!
Scene Inside Penny’s apartment. They are laying the package down on the floor.
Sheldon Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!
Leonard You okay?
Sheldon No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?
Leonard So Penny’s a little messy.
Sheldon A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale.
Leonard Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organize and label the entire world around them?
Sheldon No.
Leonard Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.
Sheldon Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.
Leonard Come on, we should go.
Sheldon Hang on.
Leonard What are you doing?
Sheldon Straightening up.
Leonard Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.
Leonard When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place.
Sheldon Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.
Leonard What were you doing in his closet?
Sheldon I helped him run some cable for a webcam.
Penny (Entering) Hey guys.
Leonard Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.
Penny Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?
Sheldon (Sucks in breath)
Leonard No.
Sheldon No?
Leonard No.
Sheldon No.
Leonard Well, we’ll get out of your hair.
Penny Okay, great, thank you again (she throws her jacket over the back of the sofa).
Sheldon Penny, I just want you to know that, you don’t have to live like this. I’m here for you.
Penny What’s he talking about?
Leonard It’s a joke.
Penny I don’t get it.
Leonard Yeah, he didn’t tell it right.
Scene Leonard’s bedroom, he is asleep. Sound of door opening and closing somewhere else is heard. Leonard wakes, puts on his glasses and looks at the clock. It is 2
Leonard Sheldon?
Scene The living room. Leonard enters carrying a light sabre.
Leonard Sheldon? Hello?
Scene Penny’s apartment, penny is sleeping, Sheldon is cleaning. Leonard enters.
Leonard Sheldon!
Sheldon Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.
Leonard Are you insane? You can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
Sheldon I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.
Leonard Do you realize that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here?
Sheldon I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Sheldon Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.
Leonard Sheldon, we have to get out of here.
Sheldon You might want to speak in a lower register.
Leonard What?
Sheldon Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
Leonard That’s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.)
Sheldon No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.
Leonard (Doing likewise) Fine. I accept your premise, now please let’s go.
Sheldon I am not leaving until I’m done.
Leonard O-o-o-oh! (Collapses against wall).
Sheldon If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Leonard Oh, what the hell.
Scene Sheldon and Leonard’s living room, morning. Sheldon enters, singing to himself.
Sheldon Morning.
Leonard Morning.
Sheldon I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.
Leonard I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour's apartment and clean.
Sheldon Sarcasm?
Leonard You think?
Sheldon Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.
Leonard You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon You don’t think that crosses a line?
Leonard Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.
Sheldon You have a sarcasm sign?
Leonard No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.
Sheldon Do you want some cereal. I’m feeling so good today I’m going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.
Penny (Voice off) Son of a Bitch!
Leonard Penny’s up.
Penny (Voice off) You sick, geeky bastards!
Leonard How did she know it was us?
Sheldon I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.
Penny (Voice off) Leonard!
Leonard God, this is going to be bad.
Sheldon Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran.
Penny (Entering) You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?
Leonard Yes, but, only to clean.
Sheldon Really more to organize, you’re not actually dirty, per se.
Penny Give me back my key.
Leonard I’m very, very sorry.
Penny Do you understand how creepy this is.
Leonard Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.
Penny In my apartment, while I was sleeping.
Sheldon And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.
Penny And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon Depending on the depth, that’s either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!
Penny God!
Leonard Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you’re feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you’re feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more.
Penny Stay away from me.
Leonard Sure, that’s another way to go.
Sheldon Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organizational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.
Leonard You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologize. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny?
Sheldon That wasn’t sarcasm?
Leonard No.
Sheldon Whoo, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.
Penny (Opening door) What?
Sheldon I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won’t color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny closes door in his face.) I did what I could.
Scene The stairwell. Raj is coming up the stairs, he meets Penny who is going down.
Penny Hey Raj. (Raj stands looking uncomfortable.) Hey, listen, I don’t know if you heard about what happened last night with Leonard and Sheldon, but I’m really upset about it, I mean they just, they let themselves into my place, and then they cleaned it, I mean can you even believe that? How weird is that?
Raj (Internally, while Penny continues to talk) Ooh, she’s standing very close to me. Oh my, she does smell good. What is that, vanilla?
Penny You know, where I come from, someone comes into your house at night, you shoot, okay? And you don’t shoot to wound. I mean, alright, my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk. What was I saying?
Raj (Internally) She’s so chatty. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I’d be better off with an Indian girl. We’d have the same cultural background, and my wife could sing to my children the same lullabies my mother sang to me.
Penny It’s obvious that they meant well, but I’m just, I’m having a really rough time, like I said, I broke up with my boyfriend, and it’s just freaking me out.
Penny I mean, just because most of the men I’ve known in my life happen to be jerks, doesn’t mean I should just assume Leonard and Sheldon are. Right?
Raj (Internally) She asked me a question. I should probably nod. (Does.)
Penny That’s exactly what I thought. Thank you for listening. You’re a doll. (She hugs him.)
Raj (Internally) Oh-oh. Turn your pelvis. (Does.)
Scene Sheldon and Leonard’s living room. Howard is there, playing on a dance video game.
Howard (Jumping off game mat) Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.
Leonard It’s fine. You win.
Howard What’s his problem?
Sheldon His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Howard Been there.
Raj (Entering) Hello. Sorry I’m late. But I was in the hallway, chatting up Penny.
Howard Really? You? Rajesh Koothrapali, spoke to Penny?
Raj Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.
Leonard What did she say? Is she still mad at me?
Raj Well, she was upset at first, but, probably because her sister shot somebody. Then there was something about you and… then she hugged me.
Howard She hugged you? How did she hug you? (Raj hugs Howard.) Is that her perfume I smell?
Raj Intoxicating, isn’t it?
Scene The hallway, Leonard puts a note under Penny’s door. It opens.
Penny Hi.
Leonard Oh.
Penny What’s going on?
Leonard Um, here’s the thing. (Reads from note.) Penny. Just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb, so too I regret my participation in what was, at the very least, an error in judgement. The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognize one’s mistakes. Some mistakes, such as Madame Curie’s discovery of Radium turned out to have great scientific potential even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning. Another example, from the field of ebola research….
Penny Leonard.
Leonard Yeah.
Penny (Hugs him) We’re okay. (Kisses him on cheek. Closes door. Leonard looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.)
Scene Penny’s apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are trying to construct furniture.
Leonard Six two inch dowels.
Sheldon Check.
Leonard One package, Phillips head screws.
Sheldon Check.
Penny You guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre.
Leonard No, please, we insist, it’s the least we can do considering.
Sheldon Considering what? How great this place looks?
Howard (Across room with Raj) Oh boy, I was afraid of this.
Leonard What?
Howard These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.
Penny Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.
Leonard It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.
Sheldon We could put her stereo back there.
Leonard And control it how?
Sheldon Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.
Howard (After Raj whispers in his ear) Good point, how you gonna cool it?
Penny Hey guys, I got this.
Sheldon Hang on Penny. How about fans, here and here?
Leonard Also inefficient, and might be loud.
Howard How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter inch PVC…
Penny Guys, this is actually really simple.
Howard Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.
Leonard Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?
Sheldon And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.
Penny Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes.
Leonard Oh, I’ve got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminum.
Sheldon Right, then the entire thing’s one big heat sink.
Howard Perfect, Leonard, why don’t you and Sheldon go down to the junk yard and pick up about six square meters of scrap aluminum, Raj and I will run down to my lab and get the oxy-acetaline torch.
Leonard Meet back here in an hour?
Howard Done.
Leonard Got it. (They all leave).
Penny Okay, this place does look pretty good.

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