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Transcripts/The Codpiece Topology

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Season 2
Tbbt202

The gang near the elevator.

- Episode 02 - The Codpiece Topology

Scene The building entrance lobby. The guys enter. Sheldon is dressed as a medieval monk, Howard is a court jester, Raj is a medieval gentleman and Leonard is a knight.
Sheldon Worst Renaissance Fair ever.
Leonard Please let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.
Leonard You’re nitpicking.
Sheldon Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another "nit" for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.
Howard Renaissance fairs aren’t about historical accuracy. They’re about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko’s and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy.
Sheldon Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!”
Howard I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.
Penny (Arriving with a guy) Hi guys. Looks like you’ve been to the Renaissance fair. I’m hoping.
Sheldon Renaissance fair? More of a medieval slash age of enlightenment slash any excuse to wear a codpiece fair.
Penny Okay, fine, whatever, um, you guys, this is my friend Eric.
Howard Hello.
Leonard Hi.
Eric Hey.
Leonard So, yeah, good to see you.
Penny Yeah, yeah, it’s good to see you too. We should really go.
Eric Yeah.
Penny (Leaving) Bye guys.
Eric (Leaving, to Howard) Like your hat.
Howard Thanks, my mom made it. Penny with a new guy, tres awkward.
Leonard It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.
Raj By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz?
Sheldon That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.
Leonard Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear.
Sheldon You’re wearing modern underwear?
Leonard Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing?
Sheldon I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
Leonard You went out and bought linen?
Sheldon Don’t be silly, I borrowed one of your pillow cases.
Leonard Borrowed?
Credits sequence
Scene The apartment.
Leonard You know what, I’m happy that Penny’s moving on. It gives me the freedom to move on myself.
Howard Are you saying that you’ve been holding back?
Leonard Of course. Out of respect.
Howard So, how do you explain the ten years before Penny?
Raj Who were you respecting then?
Leonard What? I’ve dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.
Sheldon Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two.
Leonard Uh, what about that girl last year at Comic-con?
Raj Doesn’t count.
Leonard Why not?
Raj What happens in costume at Comic-con, stays at Comic-con.
Howard You’re only saying that because of what happened to you.
Leonard What happened to you?
Raj N-n-n-nothing happened to me.
Howard It wasn’t your fault, Raj, he was dressed as a green Orion slave girl.
Raj H-h-h-how did we get on me, we were mocking Leonard for not moving on. Dude, you have totally not moved on.
Leonard Yes I have, it’s just a matter of actually making a date with someone.
Howard Like who?
Leonard Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.
Raj What about Leslie Winkle.
Sheldon Oh no.
Raj Why?
Sheldon Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me.
Raj I think she’s smoking hot.
Howard I’d hit that.
Sheldon You’d hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension. Mud.
Leonard Look, I like Leslie, but she’s not interested in dating as much as using men as tools for stress release.
Howard Yeah, so, be a tool. Go get yourself a little rebound stress release.
Raj Technically it would only be rebound if he and Penny had actually engaged in physical intimacy.
Howard You mean like you and Richard the slave girl?
Raj I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley!
Scene The university cafeteria.
Sheldon You know how I know we’re not in The Matrix?
Leonard How?
Sheldon If we were, the food would be better.
Leslie (Arriving) Hey, Leonard.
Leonard Hey, Leslie.
Leslie Hey, dummy.
Sheldon Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.
Leslie Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.
Leonard Uh, sure.
Sheldon Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do work that promises significant results, as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me.
Leslie Wow. So, I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
Leonard Where did you hear that?
Leslie Actually I read it. Wolowitz texted me. (Shows him text.)
Leonard Like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory. Yep.
Leslie I thought it was a pretty good one, I gave him an L-O-L. Anyway, it got me thinking, now that you’re unattached maybe we can revisit our previous attachment.
Leonard Are you suggesting another bout of stress release.
Leslie No, I’m all done with casual sex. From now on I’m fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm.
Leonard Really, what changed?
Leslie It’s hard to say, I guess there’s just a time in every woman’s life when she gets tired of waking up on a strange futon with a bunch of people she doesn’t know.
Leonard Yeah, I can see how that would… a bunch of people?
Leslie Anyway, I just figure it’s time to slow things down and who better to slow things down with than you?
Leonard Oh, I’m flattered. So, how do you suggest we proceed?
Leslie Your place, we’ll order Chinese, you’ll rent a movie, artsy but accessible, then light petting, no coitus.
Leonard Sounds fun.
Leslie I’ll leave the details up to you, I think it’s better if you assume the male role.
Leonard Thank you, that’s very thoughtful.
Leslie Great. Call me.
Scene The apartment. Leonard is dressed smartly and placing wine on the table. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.
Leonard Terrific.
Sheldon You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school.
Leonard I kind of have other plans tonight.
Sheldon But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.
Leonard Well, the thing is, someone’s coming over.
Sheldon Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.
Leonard Sheldon, it’s a date, I have a date coming over.
Sheldon Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.
Leonard Why, what’s so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon Well, statistically speaking…
Leonard Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?
Leonard You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy?
Sheldon You want me to leave the apartment?
Leonard Yes.
Sheldon You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?
Leonard Yes.
Sheldon Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.
Leonard I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way.
Sheldon Well alright then.
Scene The entrance lobby. Sheldon is sitting on the bottom step using his laptop. Penny comes down the stairs.
Penny Sheldon? What are you doing?
Sheldon Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.
Penny Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs?
Sheldon I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.
Penny Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something?
Sheldon Alone?
Penny Yeah, why not?
Sheldon What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich maneuver.
Penny Well then don’t order popcorn.
Sheldon No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.
Penny Well why don’t you go to a coffee shop.
Sheldon I don’t drink coffee.
Penny They have other things.
Sheldon What do they have?
Penny I don’t know, you know, cookies, pastries…
Sheldon Pastries such as bearclaws?
Penny Yeah, sure.
Sheldon I don’t like bearclaws.
Leslie (Entering) Heya Penny. Dumbass.
Sheldon Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?
Penny Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists.
Sheldon Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.
Penny Okay, well I have a date too, so see ya.
Sheldon Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I’m just enabling you.
Scene The apartment.
Leslie This is pretty good Orange Chicken.
Leonard Yeah, it’s from Changs.
Leslie Not Chows?
Leonard No, Changs.
Leslie What happened to Chows?
Leonard It changed.
Leslie Oh. So, how many children do you think we should have? (Leonard splutters and coughs) I’m sorry, that was a little abrupt.
Leonard A little.
Leslie I mean there are so many things to talk about before we discuss reproduction.
Leonard I sure hope so.
Leslie Besides shortness, what genetic weaknesses run in your family?
Sheldon (Entering) I’m sorry to interrupt, batteries dying continue.
Leslie Uh, genetic weaknesses, right, um, there’s the lactose intolerance.
Sheldon (Preparing an extension cord) Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.)
Leonard Okay, now my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you will ever meet. So… Sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me. (Sheldon knocks and enters again.) What now?
Sheldon I have to make pee-pee.
Time shift to later.
Leonard Listen, I’m sorry about all of Sheldon’s interruptions, he can be a bit of an eccentric.
Leslie If by eccentric you mean passive-aggressive East Texas blowhole, I agree.
Leonard Well, I think tonight was a very good start.
Leslie Me too. You’re sure you’re okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test?
Leonard No problem, I’m very skilled at postponing intercourse. So I guess I’ll call you and we’ll arrange another evening.
Leslie Yes. I believe protocol dictates that you wait a minimum of 18 hours before you call so I’m not repulsed by your cloying eagerness.
Leonard Sure.
Leslie Again, it’s your decision, you’re the man.
Penny (Voice off, ascending the stairs) No, it wasn’t my cat, it was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
Eric (Appearing round corner with Penny) From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
Penny No, he was some kind of scientist, let me start again. Oh, hey Leonard.
Leonard Hello.
Penny Leslie.
Leslie Hi.
(Penny turns and crosses hall.)
Leonard Okay, well, goodnight. (Leans in to kiss Leslie.)
Penny Okay, well, goodnight. (Grabs Eric and kisses him more passionately.)
Leslie (Whispering) That ain’t going to make your point. (Grabs him and tries to out-passion Penny. The two couples get more passionate trying to outdo each other until Leonard grabs Leslie’s ass.) Okay, that’s enough. (Sweetly) Call me (exits.)
Leonard Right (goes back inside flat. Closes door.)
Penny (Breaking off kiss) Okay, goodnight.
Eric What?
Penny Had a great time, ciao (closes door.)
Scene The university lunch room.
Sheldon I’m sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance Fair.
Howard Come on, Sheldon, there’s so few places I can wear my jester costume.
Sheldon I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
Raj Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.
Sheldon You mean like Spock?
Raj Sure.
Sheldon Fascinating.
Leslie (Arriving) Hey fellow scientists. Sheldon.
Leonard Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us.
Howard Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.)
Sheldon If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
Leonard Don’t make this hard for me.
Sheldon It’s not hard. It’s simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.
Leonard You’re right, it is simple. (Sits with Leslie.)
Scene The stairs. Sheldon is playing on his computer at the end of the long extension cord.
Penny Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Penny.
Penny Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something.
Sheldon Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?
Penny Goodnight Sheldon.
Sheldon Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?
Penny Excuse me?
Sheldon I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?
Penny Okay, where is this coming from?
Sheldon Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.
Penny Your arch enemy?
Sheldon Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.
Penny Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it.
Sheldon Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.
Penny Sheldon, come back, you’re losing me.
Sheldon Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.
Penny Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.
Sheldon She called me dumbass.
Penny I know. I heard.
Sheldon Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.
Penny Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends.
Sheldon No, that response is unacceptable to me.
Penny Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know…
Sheldon Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.
Penny Are you going to let me talk?
Sheldon I’m sorry.
Penny You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it.
Sheldon You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.
Penny Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with.
Sheldon Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?
Penny Because love trumps hate.
Sheldon Oh now you’re just making stuff up.
Penny Okay. Goodnight Sheldon.
Sheldon Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.
Scene The apartment. Leonard and Leslie are kissing.
Sheldon (Entering) When the two of you reach a natural stopping point I’d like to have a word.
Leonard If the word is pee-pee, just do it.
Sheldon Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.
Leonard Thank you.
Sheldon I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.
Leslie Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
Sheldon I’m listening, amuse me.
Leslie Okay, well, for one thing we expect quantii space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colors.
Sheldon Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
Leslie Are you going to let him talk to me like that?
Leonard Okay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories.
Leslie No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes.(Sheldon grunts.)
Leonard Sheldon, don’t make that noise, it’s disrespectful.
Sheldon I hope so, it was a snort of derision.
Leslie You agree with me, right, loop quantum gravity is the future of physics.
Leonard Sorry Leslie, I guess I prefer my space stringy not loopy.
Leslie Well, I’m glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further.
Leonard Truth, what truth? We’re talking about untested hypotheses, uh, it’s no big deal.
Leslie Oh, it isn’t, really? Tell me Leonard, how would we raise the children?
Leonard I guess we let them wait until they’re old enough and let them choose their own theory.
Leslie We can’t let them choose, Leonard, they’re children. (Storms off.)
Leonard Wait, where are you going?
Leslie I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.)
Sheldon Look on the bright side.
Leonard What’s the bright side?
Sheldon Only nine more months to comic-con.
Leonard Oh yeah.
Scene The Renaissance Fair. The guys are in costume. Sheldon is Spock and has a tri-corder.
Sheldon Captain, I’m getting an unusual reading.
Leonard Yeah, that’s great, you guys want corn dogs?
Howard Yeah.
Sheldon That’s a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn’t come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century.

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