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Transcripts/The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

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Sheldon trying to blow up Leonard's brain ala the movie "Scanners".

Season 1 - Episode 09 - The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

Scene Apartment 4A, Leonard is attaching something to a lamp.
Leonard Okay, the X10s are online.
Howard Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fiber-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap).
Sheldon Look at me, look at me, I’ve got goosebumps.
Howard Are we ready on the stereo?
Raj Go for stereo.
Penny (Entering) Hey guys.
All (calming down, embarrassed) Hello.
Penny It’s a little loud.
Howard No problem, turning it down. (Using mouse again) San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax (the music gets quieter) et voila.
Penny Okay, thanks.
Leonard Hang on, hang on, do you not realize what we just did.
Penny Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
Sheldon No, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.
Penny Oh. You know you can just get one of those universal remotes at Radio Shack, they’re really cheap.
Leonard No, no, no, you don’t get it, um, Howard, enable public access.
Howard Public access enabled. (They all stare around for a moment in silence.)
Penny Boy, that’s brilliant, but I’ll see you.
Leonard No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See!
Penny No.
Sheldon Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
Penny Huh, well that’s handy. Um, here’s a question, why?
All together Because we can. (There is a loud noise)
Sheldon They found the remote controlled cars.
Penny Well, wait, wait, what’s on top of them.
Leonard Wireless webcams, wave hello.
Howard The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.
Sheldon You may want to put on slacks.
Penny What? (Seeing red car is trying to get between her legs) Ew, stop it, no, leave me alone.
Leonard Who’s running the red Corvette?
Howard That would be me.
Scene Apartment 4A, clearing up.
Sheldon You know, in the future, when we’re disembodied brains in jars, we’re going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj I don’t want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard I’m with you. I just have to make sure if I’m a synthetic human I’d still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.
Sheldon Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays.
Leonard Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Sheldon Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
Leonard It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates.
Sheldon I know. I read it before I threw it out.
Leonard Okay… if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out.
Sheldon Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers, who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be.
Howard I don’t know, Sheldon, those topical conferences on Bowes-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
Leonard Forget the parties.
Howard Forget the parties? What a nerd.
Leonard Are there any other honors I’ve gotten that I don’t know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon Leonard, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets.
Raj Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was “yo mamma.”
Howard I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….
Leonard Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional.
Leonard Okay, let me put it this way, I’m doing it.
Sheldon You can’t. I’m the lead author.
Leonard Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
Sheldon I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome.
Leonard Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon It doesn’t need proving.
Leonard So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon They’re not supposed to, but they should.
Leonard Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings.
Sheldon And I forbid it.
Leonard You forbid it?
Sheldon If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is.
Leonard Oh, you admit that it’s our work.
Sheldon No, once again, I’m throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome.
Leonard Ah!
Howard Oh no he dit’nt!
Scene Leonard’s bedroom. Penny is looking through his closet.
Penny So, how’s it going with Sheldon, are you guys still not talking to each other?
Leonard Not only is he still not talking to me, but there’s this thing he does where he stares at you and tries to get your brain to explode. You know, like in the classic sci-fi movie Scanners? (Put’s fingers to head) You know, bzzz-pchew! Never mind. How about this one. It says, “I know my physics, but I’m still a fun guy!”
Penny Oh, hey, I didn’t know they still made corduroy suits!
Leonard They don’t, that’s why I saved this one.
Penny Okay, well, let’s just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these.
Leonard Is this all stuff you want me to try on?
Penny No, this is stuff I want you to throw out.
Leonard Oh.
Penny Seriously, don’t even give it to charity, you won’t be helping anyone. What’s this.
Leonard Oh, that’s the bottled city of Kandor.
Penny Uh-huh.
Leonard You see, Kandor was the capital city of the planet Krypton, it was miniaturised by Brainiac before Krypton exploded and then rescued by Superman.
Penny Oh, nice.
Leonard It’s a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.
Penny Here, why don’t you put these on while I find a shirt and sport-coat to match.
Leonard Great, be right back.
Penny Well, where you going, just put them on.
Leonard Here?
Penny Oh, are you shy?
Leonard No, I’m not shy.
Penny Don’t worry, I won’t look.
Leonard I know you won’t look, why would you look, there’s nothing to see, well, not nothing….
Penny Sweetie, put the pants on.
Leonard Putting them on.
Penny So, you know, isn’t there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing.
Leonard No. No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention, Sheldon is batcrap crazy.
Penny What is this?
Leonard Oh, careful. That’s my original series "Battlestar Galatica" flight suit.
Penny Oh, why didn't you wear it at Halloween?
Leonard Because it’s not a costume, it’s a flight suit.
Penny Okay, alright, moving on, oh, wow, a paisley shirt.
Leonard Uh-huh, it goes with my corduroy suit.
Penny If you mean it should end up in the same place then, I agree. Is this your… your only tie?
Leonard Ah. Technically yes, but, if you’ll notice, it’s reversible. So it works as two.
Penny Oh, sweetie, I don’t think it even works as one. Is this all your clothes?
Leonard Yeah. Everything since the eighth grade.
Penny The… the eighth grade?
Leonard My last growth spurt.
Penny Okay, well, I guess we’re back to the corduroy suit.
Leonard Great.
Penny Yup. (Leonard picks up paisley shirt) I said no, put it down.
Scene The ground floor hallway.
Penny Hey Sheldon!
Sheldon (Unlocking his mailbox) Hello Penny.  
Penny Get anything good?
Sheldon Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week.
Sheldon Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence.
Penny Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard…
Sheldon Oh dear God!
Penny Little misunderstanding, huh.
Sheldon A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.
Penny Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.
Sheldon Huh.
Penny Well how do you feel?
Sheldon I don’t understand the question.
Penny Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend.
Sheldon Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.
Penny Wait… what?
Sheldon I couldn’t poop this morning.
Penny You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out.
Sheldon It’s certainly preferable to my plan.
Penny Which was?
Sheldon A powerful laxative.
Penny Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing.
Sheldon Excuse me, little idea?
Penny Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but…
Sheldon Of course you didn’t, he said little idea?
Penny Uh, well no, no, not in… not in those words.
Sheldon In what words then, exactly
Penny Um, gee, the exact words aren’t written… it’s more the spirit in which it’s
Sheldon What did he say?
Penny You had a lucky hunch.
Leonard (Coming out of apartment) Hey, Sheldon, I’ve been thinking, instead of arguing about this why don’t….
Sheldon Don’t you ever speak to me again.
Leonard What… (Sheldon goes into apartment and slams the door).
Penny Uh, he… (makes “he’s screwy” hand movements, turns to go).
Scene The apartment. Leonard is dressed in the corduroy suit.
Leonard Okay, I’m leaving for the conference.
Sheldon Have fun presenting my lucky hunch.
Leonard Sheldon I didn’t mean it like that.
Sheldon Then why did you say it.
Leonard I don’t know, I wasn’t choosing my…
Sheldon Were you trying to impress Penny?
Leonard No, no not at all. A little bit.
Sheldon How’d that work out for you?
Penny (Entering) Leonard, ready to go?
Sheldon Libido 1, truth zero.
Leonard Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.
Sheldon And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me.
Leonard Let’s go.
Penny Bye Sheldon.
Sheldon Goodbye Penny. (Places fingers to head to try to make Leonard’s brain explode. Leonard leaves.) Oooh, one of these days, Pkshhhh!
Scene A corridor at the conference. Penny is attaching Leonard’s name tag.
Penny There you go.
Leonard You’re right, this side does look better.
Penny No, no, I didn’t say better, I said less stained.
Howard I just checked the house, there’s probably twenty, twenty-five people in there.
Leonard You’re kidding.
Penny Is that all?
Leonard All? In particle physics, twenty five is Woodstock.
Penny Oh, well, then good!
Leonard I wasn’t expecting such a crowd, I’m a little nervous.
Howard It’s okay, just open with a joke, you’ll be fine.
Leonard A joke. Okay. How about this, um, okay, uh there’s this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won’t lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum. (Raj and Howard laugh.) Right?
Penny Oh, sorry, I’ve just, I’ve heard it before.
Howard Let’s roll. Hey, nice suit.
Leonard It’s a classic, right?
Penny I really should have brought my own car.
Scene Leonard is presenting.
Leonard So, in conclusion, the data show that at temperatures approaching absolute zero, the moment of inertia changes, and the solid becomes a super-solid, which clearly appears to be a previously unknown state of matter. (Applause) Thank you. (Penny is asleep on Howard’s shoulder. Howard is taking a photograph with his camera phone.) Are there any questions?
Voice Yeah. What the hell was that?
Leonard Any other questions?
Sheldon (Who previously spoke, now removing his hood and dark glasses) Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
Leonard I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science.
Sheldon Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?
Leonard You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
Leonard You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
Leonard Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me.
Sheldon As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence.
Leonard Really, so why did you come?
Sheldon Because I knew you’d screw this up.
Leonard I didn’t screw it up.
Sheldon Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there.
Leonard I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
Sheldon So you admit that you’re an egotist?
Leonard Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse.
Sheldon Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)
Leonard You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
Sheldon Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm.
Leonard (Knocking his hands down) Stop it.
Sheldon You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.
Leonard You were trying to blow up my head.
Sheldon So it was working.
Leonard It wasn’t, it was not, you are a nutcase.
Sheldon Oh we’ll see about that (tries again), heads up you people in the front row, this is a splash zone.
Leonard Stop, stop it, quit it. (They start to fight.)
Penny Is this usually how these physics things go?
Howard More often than you’d think.
Leonard (Getting Sheldon on floor) Vulcan nerve pinch!
Scene Aparment 4A
Sheldon You could have offered me a ride home.
Leonard You’re lucky I didn’t run you over.
Sheldon I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you.
Leonard You’re right, I’m the problem, I’m the one that needs help.
Sheldon Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it.
Leonard Excuse me. Is there anything you’d like to apologize for?
Sheldon Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for.
Howard (Entering with Raj) You won’t believe this.
Raj Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on YouTube.
Leonard What?
Sheldon Now, who would do that?
Howard That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (They watch).
Leonard Oh jeez. Is this suit really look that bad?
Sheldon Forget your suit, look at my arms waving, I’m like a flamingo on Ritalin.
Penny (Entering) Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned “Me and my Girlfriend?”
Howard Uh-oh, here comes “the talk.”
Scene Captioned “Somewhere in China”, two Chinese students watch the video on their computer.
Student one (In captions) What losers.
Student two Yeah. Gigantic American geeks. (The lights flicker)
Student one Who’s doing that?
Student two Someone from Pasadena, California named… “Wolowizard.”
Together Awesome!

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