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The Whore of Omaha

Season 1 - Episode 07 - The Dumpling Paradox

Scene Apartment 4A, the living room.
Howard Watch this, it’s really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard’s phone Did you say, call Helen Boxleitner?
Howard No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard’s phone Did you say, call Temple Beth Sader.
Howard No.
Leonard Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh.
Howard’s phone Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).
Raj Oh, that’s very impressive. And a little racist.
Sheldon If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.
Leonard So? We’ll start now.
Sheldon Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.
Raj We can split it two, two and two.
Howard If we’re having anchovies on the pizza we can’t take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.)
Sheldon Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Leonard (Opening door) Hey Penny, come on in.
Penny Hey guys.
Howard See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you’ll have good luck.
Penny No you won’t. Uh, can I hide out here for a while.
Leonard Sure. What’s going on.
Penny Well, there’s this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christy, well anyway she called me up and she’s like “Hey, how’s California,” and I’m like “Awesome” ‘cause, you know, it’s not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she’s invited herself out here to stay with me.
Sheldon 8:08
Penny Anyway, she got here today, and she’s just been in my apartment, yakkety-yakking about every guy she’s slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Howard Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse?
Penny He really needs to dial it down.
Leonard So, if you don’t like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?
Penny Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she’s kind of family.
Sheldon You know, I apologize for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?
Leonard Oh, I don’t think she’s a whore.
Penny No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… Where’s Howard?
Howard (Voice off) Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you’re new in town.
Sheldon Oh good grief.
Scene Penny, Sheldon, Raj and Leonard stand in the apartment doorway. Romantic music plays from Penny’s apartment door.
Penny Ugh, I cannot believe Christy let Howard into my apartment.    
Sheldon And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13, and we're still not playing Halo.
Leonard Okay, fine, we’ll just play one on one until he gets back.
Sheldon One on one? We don’t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!
Leonard Well the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.
Raj Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there’s a billion more where he came from.
Penny Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play.
Leonard Great idea.
Sheldon Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.
Penny Why?
Sheldon Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny Oh, what, what, what?
Sheldon This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.
Penny (Picking up a controller, there is the sound of an explosion from the television) Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon Mine.
Penny Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys.
Leonard It’s the only way we can play teams.
Sheldon Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)
Penny Ha-ha, there goes your head again.
Sheldon Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to-- (explosion) Now, come on!
Sheldon Raj, Raj, she’s got me cornered, cover me.
Penny Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha!
Leonard Penny, you are on fire.
Penny Yeah, so is Sheldon.
Sheldon Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game.
Penny Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something.
Sheldon What?
Penny This plasma grenade. (Explosion.) Ha! Look, it’s raining you!
Sheldon You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.
Penny Gosh, he’s kind of a sore loser, isn’t he?
Leonard Well, to be fair, he is also a rather unpleasant winner.
Penny Well, it’s been fun.
Leonard You know, Penny, we make such a good team, maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.
Penny Or we could just have a life.
Leonard I guess for you that’s an option.
Penny Good night, Leonard.
Leonard Good night.
Penny As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.)
Raj What do you suppose she meant by that?
Leonard She’s an enigma, Raj.
Sheldon And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…
Leonard She’s gone, Sheldon.
Sheldon Well she could have said goodbye.
Penny (Entering again) Okay, I have a problem.
Sheldon It’s called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it.
Leonard What’s wrong?
Penny Um, well, Howard and Christy are… kind of… hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard Are you sure?
Penny Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they’re either having sex or Howard’s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?
Leonard No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics.
Penny Uh, the couch is good.
Sheldon Hold that thought. Leonard, a moment.
Leonard Let me guess, you have a problem with this?
Sheldon Where do I begin?
Leonard It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice.
Sheldon Well first, we don’t have house guests. Frankly, if I could afford the rent, I’d ask you to leave.
Leonard Your friendship means a lot to me as well. What else?
Sheldon Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two man, two day kit.
Leonard So?
Sheldon So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon.
Leonard I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?
Sheldon No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does.
Leonard Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny Hu… what?
Sheldon He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result, and I do not appreciate it.
Leonard I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.
Sheldon Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20. Plan your oblutions and bodily functions accordingly.
Penny How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?
Sheldon I suggest no liquids after 11pm.
Leonard Here you go.
Penny Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.)
Sheldon Hmmph, wrong.
Penny I’m listening.
Sheldon Your head goes on the other end.
Penny Why?
Sheldon It’s culturally universal. A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny I’ll risk it.
Sheldon Hm!
Penny Anything else I should know?
Sheldon Yes. If you use my toothbrush, I’ll jump out that window. Please don’t come to my funeral. Have a good night.
Leonard Sorry about that.
Penny That’s okay.
Leonard FYI, his toothbrush is the red one in the plexiglass case under the UV light.
Penny Got it.
Leonard Well, sleep tight.
Penny Thanks.
Leonard Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally… Sleep tight.
Scene Penny goes to sleep. Cut to view of the kitchen, where Raj is seen eating a sandwich. He lets himself out of the apartment. Upon hearing the door close, a startled Penny tries to go back to sleep, but quickly changes her pillow to the other end of the couch.
Scene The following morning. Sheldon is in the kitchen making breakfast. He crosses to the couch, sees Penny sleeping there, looks lost. He is about to sit down by Penny's head when Leonard enters.
Leonard What are you doing?
Sheldon Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard Penny’s still sleeping.
Sheldon Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal…
Leonard I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day.
Penny Uh, what time is it?
Leonard Almost 6:30.
Penny I slept all day?
Leonard Oh, no, it’s 6:30 in the morning.
Penny What the hell is your problem?
Sheldon Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.
Howard (Entering) Hola, nerd-migos.
Penny Why do you people hate sleep? Are you wearing my robe?
Howard Oh, yeah, sorry, I’ll have it cleaned.
Penny That’s okay, keep it. Where’s Christy.
Howard In the shower. Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt? Yours reaches places that mine just won’t.
Penny Y-you used my loofah?
Howard More precisely we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out!
Penny You can keep that too.
Howard Ah, well then we’ll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
Christy (Voice off) Howard?
Howard In here my lady.
Christy (Entering) Mmmm, there’s my little engine that could.
Howard chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss).
Sheldon Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again.
Christy Hi. Christy.
Leonard Leonard.
Sheldon I’m Sheldon.
Christy Right, you’re Howard’s entourage.
Penny Uh, so Christy, what are your plans?
Christy Oh, well, Howard said he’d take me shopping in Beverley Hills.
Penny Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.
Leonard Penny, you’re always welcome to stay with us.
Sheldon Oh, terrific, now we’re running a cute little B&B.
Howard Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn’t Christy stay with me?
Leonard For one thing you live with your mother.
Howard I do not, my mother lives with me.
Sheldon Well then, it’s all settled, Christy will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother.
Leonard Sheldon you just can’t dictate…
Sheldon No more talking, everybody go!
Howard So, what do you say, you wanna repair to Casa Wolowitz?
Christy What is that, like a Mexican deli?
Howard I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.
Christy Oh, that’s so cool. My first Jew!
Sheldon I imagine there aren’t many kosher corn-huskers.
Christy But you’re still taking me shopping, right?
Howard Anything you want.
Christy Okay, I’ll go pack my stuff.
Howard When they perfect human cloning, I’m going to order twelve of those.
Leonard Howard, can’t you see she’s using you?
Howard Who cares? Last night she pulled off her blouse and I wept!
Penny Look, Howard, I know her, okay, she’ll have sex with anyone as long as they keep buying her things.
Howard Really?
Penny Yeah.
Howard Yay! If you’ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mitzvah bonds to cash.
Scene A Chinese restaurant.
Sheldon I’m sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
Leonard We can’t order Chinese food without Wolowitz?
Sheldon Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General Tso’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-mein. Do you see the problem?
Leonard I see a problem.
Sheldon Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided amongst four people.
Leonard So, we’ll just order three entrees.
Sheldon Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling?
Raj We could cut it into thirds.
Sheldon Then it is no longer a dumpling. Once you cut it open, it is at best a very small open-faced sandwich.
Waiter Hi fellas. Oh, where’s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
Sheldon He’s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that’s punishable by death.
Waiter I come from Sacramento.
Leonard Can we get an order of dumplings, but with three instead of four.
Waiter No substitutions.
Leonard This isn’t a substitution, it’s a reduction.
Waiter Okay, no reductions.
Leonard Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four.
Raj That works.
Sheldon No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree.
Waiter No eliminations.
Leonard If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home.
Sheldon And divide it how? I’m telling you, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
Leonard Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend. If you had let me invite Penny, then you would have had your fourth.
Sheldon Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food? She uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls.
Leonard We don’t order egg rolls.
Sheldon Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here.
Raj Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here.
Leonard Here’s an idea, why don’t we just go out for Indian food.
Sheldon No.
Raj Uurgh.
Waiter You are nice boys. Tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I’m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know.
Sheldon I’ll know.
Waiter (wanders away cursing in Mandarin.)
Raj How about soup?
Leonard Yeah, we can always divide soup.
Sheldon What about the won-tons?
Scene Outside Penny’s door. Leonard knocks.
Penny (Answering) Oh, hey guys, what’s up?
Sheldon It’s Halo night.
Penny Yeah. Okay. So?
Leonard Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christy,
Penny She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends' Care Bears all sweaty.
Leonard Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?
Sheldon Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honor this is.
Penny Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend.
Sheldon You can’t go out, it’s Halo night.
Penny Well, for Penny it’s dancing night.
Sheldon You go dancing every Wednesday?
Penny No.
Sheldon Then it’s not dancing night.
Penny Look, why don’t I play with you guys tomorrow?
Sheldon Tonight is Halo night! It’s like talking to a wall.
Penny Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem.
Leonard Sheldon, remember, we role-played this.
Sheldon Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational.
Penny Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck.
Leonard Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.
Sheldon Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.
Leonard So?
Sheldon It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.
Leonard Aaah, for God’s sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy.
Sheldon Your anger’s not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.
Leonard No, I’m pretty sure my anger’s with you.
Raj What’s happening to us? We’re falling apart.
Leonard Who are you calling?
Sheldon The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.
Howard (Voice) Hi this is Howard Wolowitz.
Christy (Voice) And this is Christy Van Der Bell.
Howard (Voice) We can’t get to the phone right now because we’re having sex!
Christy (Voice) You’re not going to put that on your message are you?
Howard (Voice) No, I’m just kidding, I’ll re-record it. (beep)
Scene Outside Howard’s house.
Leonard Sheldon, think this through, you’re going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.
Leonard You’re right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms, and human contact.
Sheldon My point.
Christy (Voice from within) I’m just saying, you can take the damned plastic off the couch once in a while.
Mrs. Wolowitz (Voice) Why, so you and Howard can hump on it?
Howard (Voice) Ladies, ladies, I’m sure there’s a middle ground.
Christy and Mrs. Wolowitz together Shut up, Howard!
Howard (Voice) You girls talk, I’m going to take my scooter out for a little spin.
Christy (Voice as Howard emerges through door) Are you happy? You drove your own son out of the house!
Mrs. Wolowitz (Voice) Why don’t you stop butting in where you don’t belong?
Howard What are you guys doing here?
Sheldon It’s Halo night.
Mrs. Wolowitz (Voice) He’s not a man, he’s a putz, and don’t you take that tone with me, you gold digger.
Christy (Voice) What did you call me?
Mrs. Wolowitz (Voice) You heard me, and I’ll tell you something else, you’re barking up the wrong tree, 'cause as long as you’re around, Howard is out of the will.
Christy (Voice) You know what? I've got better offers. I'm outta here!
Mrs. Wolowitz (Voice) That’s right, go back to Babylon, you whore!
Howard So, Halo night, huh?
Raj I thought she was the whore of Omaha?
Sheldon Shhh!
Scene The apartment, Halo night.
Howard Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he’s charging his plasma rifle.
Sheldon I can’t shoot now, I’m cloaking.
Leonard Now, Raj, kill Sheldon.
Raj I can’t see him!
Sheldon That’s why the call it cloaking, dead man.
Leonard Well then start throwing grenades.
Raj I’m all out!
Penny (Entering with three other sexy women) Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you.
Leonard That will do, Raj, straight for the tank.
Sheldon We said no tanks.
Raj There are no rules in hell!
Howard Son of a bitch, medpack, I need a medpack!
Penny Told yah! (They leave).
Leonard There’s a sniper, use your rocket launcher.
Raj All I’ve got is a needler, and I’m all out of ammo.
Sheldon And now you’re out of life! Why did you hit pause?
Leonard I thought I heard something.
Raj What?
Leonard No, never mind, sorry. Go!

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