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Season 1 - Episode 3 - The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

Penny and Leonard on their first "date".

Scene Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are using laptops. All are wearing microphone headsets.
Howard Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.
Sheldon Good lord!
Raj Oooh.
Leonard Don’t panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Howard Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.
Leonard Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.
Sheldon Lock and load.
Howard Raj, blow up the gates.
Raj Blowing the gates. Control, shift, B! Oh, my God, so many goblins!
Howard Don’t just stand there, slash and move, slash and move.
Leonard Stay in formation.
Howard Leonard, you’ve got one on your tail.
Leonard That’s alright, my tail’s prehensile, I’ll swat him off.
Raj I’ve got him Leonard. Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard Raj, no, it’s a trap, they’re flanking us!
Raj Oooh, he’s got me.
Howard Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!
Sheldon I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!
Leonard Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon There is no more Sheldon, I am the Swordmaster!
Howard Leonard look out!
Leonard Dammit man, we’re dying here.
Sheldon Goodbye, peasants.
Leonard The bastard teleported.
Raj He’s selling the Sword of Azeroth on ebay.
Leonard You betrayed us for money, who are you?
Sheldon I’m a rogue knight elf, don’t you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked “buy it now.”
Howard I am the Swordmaster!
Credits sequence
Scene The same.
Sheldon Whooh, I’m all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.
Leonard No, I can’t look at you or your avatar right now.
(Sound of female laughter from out in the hall).
Howard Sounds like your neighbour’s home.
Leonard Excuse me.
Sheldon Don’t forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you’d have an excuse to talk to her.
Leonard Oh, right, right right right right.
Howard Stealing snail mail, very old school, I like it.
Leonard (Exiting to hallway) Penny, the mail man did it again, he… (looks up to see Penny kissing a hunky man) Oh! Sorry.
Penny Um, no, hi Leonard, this is Doug, Doug, this is my neighbour Leonard.
Doug What’s up bro?
Leonard Not much. Bro.
Penny Is, is everything okay.
Leonard Uh, yeah, uh, I just, I got your mail again, here.
Penny Thank you, I’ve got to talk to that mail man.
Leonard Oh no, that’s probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.
Penny Okay, well, thank you, again.
Leonard No problem. Bye. Oh, and, bye, bro! (Returns to apartment).
Sheldon Penny for your thoughts.
Raj What’s the matter.
Leonard No, I’m fine. Penny’s fine, the guy she’s kissing is really fine and…
Howard Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?
Leonard What is wrong with you?
Howard I’m a romantic.
Sheldon Please don’t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.
Leonard No, I’m not jealous, I’m just a little concerned for her. I didn’t like the look of the guy that she was with.
Howard Because he looks better than you?
Leonard Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.
Sheldon Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don’t crash into geek mountain again.
Howard I disagree, love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray.
Leonard Well, I’m done with Penny. I’m going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.
Raj Like who?
Leonard I don’t know. Olivia Geiger?
Sheldon The dietitian at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?
Leonard Yeah.
Sheldon Well, I don’t think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Leslie Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability.
Howard I don’t know, you guys work in the same lab.
Leonard So?
Howard There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I’m… a bit of a self-taught expert.
Leonard Look, Howard, if I were to ask Leslie Winkle out it would just be for dinner, I’m not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Howard Oh, then you’re probably okay.
Scene Leonard and Leslie’s lab.
Leonard Hello Leslie.
Leslie Hi Leonard.
Leonard Leslie I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard Right. Leslie, I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie Hang on. I’m trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o’ noodles.
Leonard Pfff, I’ve done it, about two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Leslie Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague/friendship paradigm, with the addition of a date-like component. But we don’t need to quibble over terminology.
Leslie What sort of experiment would you propose?
Leonard There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.
Leonard Heart rate, pheromones, etc, yes.
Leslie Well, why don’t we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable.
Leonard You mean, kiss you now?
Leslie Yes.
Leonard Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?
Leonard Thank you. (Takes mint). Shall I count down from three?
Leslie No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.
(They kiss.)
Leslie What do you think?
Leonard You proposed the experiment, I think you should present your findings first.
Leslie Fair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss, reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal.
Leonard None?
Leslie None.
Leonard Ah. Well, thank you for your time.
Leslie Thank you.
(They shake hands. Leonard leaves. Then returns.)
Leonard None at all?
Scene Sheldon and Leonard’s flat. Sheldon, Raj and Howard are playing Jenga.
Howard Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics?
Raj You might be bound by them right now.
Howard That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon Of course not.
Howard Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?
Sheldon Well, no.
Howard I smell robot.
Leonard (Entering) Hey, what’s going on.
Sheldon The internet’s been down for half an hour.
Raj Also, Sheldon may be a robot.
Howard So, how did it go with Leslie?
Leonard Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn’t move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway.
Sheldon Oh, I’ve seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don’t know if I can take it.
Raj You could power down.
Howard Well, as usual, Wolowitz has the solution. I happen to know a place where there are plenty of eligible women, and Leonard could have his pick.
Scene A salsa class. The four guys and a random fat bloke salsa opposite five middle-aged women.
Class instructor Remember the Latin hips. Shoulders stay still, and we sway. One two three. Five six seven.
Howard (To Leonard) I think Mrs Tishman’s got her eye on you. I’ve been there, you’re in for a treat.
Scene The flat, Leonard is entering, singing to himself a depressing song.
Sheldon Oh, good lord.
Leonard (Singing) You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains, oh yeah… God, that’s a good song.
Sheldon If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.
Leonard I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.
Sheldon Leonard, listen to me…
Leonard I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.
Sheldon Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?
Leonard Maybe, if it’s a cute little cuddly cat.
Sheldon Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny.
Leonard It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me.
Sheldon Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flash light searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out.
Leonard You’re right. I didn’t ask her out, I should ask her out.
Sheldon No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat.
Leonard No, but you’re right. I should march over there and ask her out.
Sheldon Oh, goody, we’re getting a cat.
Scene The hallway. Leonard knocks on Penny’s door.
Penny (Opening door) Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard Good afternoon Penny, so hi, hey. Uh… I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
Penny Uh, do you mean dinner tonight?
Leonard There is an inherent ambiguity in the word dinner. Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it is consumed, so, to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.
Penny Supper?
Leonard Or dinner. I was thinking six thirty, if you can go, or a different time.
Penny Uh, six thirty’s great.
Leonard Really? Great!
Penny Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
Leonard Us guys?
Penny You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj, who all’s coming?
Leonard They…. might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there, uh, algebraically speaking there are too many unknowns, for example Sheldon had Quiznos for lunch, sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn’t, it’s no fault of Quiznos, they have a varied menu.
Penny Okay, whatever, it sounds like fun.
Leonard Great. Did we say a time?
Penny Six thirty.
Leonard And that’s still good for you.
Penny It’s fine.
Leonard Cos it’s not carved in stone.
Penny No, six thirty’s great.
Leonard I’ll get my chisel.
Penny Why?
Leonard To… carve the… okay, I’ll see you six thirty.
Scene Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Leonard enters from bedrooms, dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. They are covered in sweat stains.
Leonard How do I look?
Sheldon Could you be more specific?
Leonard Can you tell I’m perspiring a little?
Sheldon No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?
Leonard Six thirty.
Sheldon Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate.
Leonard Is it too much?
Sheldon Not if you’re a rugby team.
Leonard By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quiznos.
Sheldon Why would I join you?
Leonard No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.
Sheldon Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
Leonard You’re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well.
Sheldon Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.
Leonard You could have stopped at “it could go well.”
Sheldon If I could of, I would of.
Leonard I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realize, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!
Sheldon Is the sex starting now?
Leonard I’m having a panic attack.
Sheldon Oh, okay, well then, calm down.
Leonard If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack.
Sheldon Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.
Leonard Why?
Sheldon Just do it.
Leonard Okay.
Sheldon Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.
Leonard What?
Sheldon It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.
Leonard Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.
Sheldon Me?
Leonard Yes.
Sheldon What should I tell her.
Leonard I don’t know. Tell her I’m sick.
Sheldon Okay.
Leonard Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.
Sheldon Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.
Leonard Give me the phone.
Sheldon But I thought you wanted to cancel?
Leonard I can’t because if I don’t show up she’ll still be expecting you.
Sheldon Why would she be expecting me?
Leonard Stop asking me all these questions, I need to take another shower.
Scene A restaurant.
Penny So are the rest of the guys meeting us here?
Leonard Oh, yeah, no. Turns out that Raj and Howard had to work, and Sheldon had a colonoscopy and he hasn’t quite bounced back yet.
Penny Ooh, my uncle just had a colonoscopy.
Leonard You’re kidding, well, then, that’s something we have in common.
Penny How?
Leonard We both have people in our lives who… want to nip intestinal polyps in the bud.
Penny So, what’s new in the world of physics?
Leonard Nothing.
Penny Really, nothing?
Leonard Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930’s, and you can’t prove string theory, at best you can say “hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.”
Penny Ah. Well I’m sure things will pick up.
Leonard What’s new at the Cheesecake Factory?
Penny Oh, uh, not much. We do have a chocolate key lime that’s moving pretty well.
Leonard Good. Good. And what about your, uh, hallway friend.
Penny Doug? Oh, yeah, I dunno, I mean, you know, he’s nice and funny, but…
Waitress Can I get you started with some drinks?
Leonard No, (waves her away) You were saying, but…
Penny I’d like a drink.
Leonard Just say the but thing about Doug and then I’ll get her back.
Penny Okay, well, you know, it’s just me. I’m still getting over this break-up with Kurt, and this thing with Doug would be just rebound sex.
Leonard Ugh, don’t get me started on rebound sex.
Penny It’s just, it’s my pattern. I break up, then I find some cute guy, and then it’s just thirty six meaningless hours of… well, you know.
Leonard I’m not sure that I do. Um, is that one thirty-six hour experience, or is it thirty six hours spread out over say, one… glorious summer.
Penny No, it’s usually over a weekend, and trust me, you do not feel good after it.
Leonard Well, chafing, right?
Penny Emotionally.
Leonard Of course, yeah, emotional chafing. Hey, do you want to see something cool? (Penny nods.) I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
Penny How?
Leonard Physics. (He places the glass over the olive and spins it until the olive gets caught up on the side).
Penny Wow, centrifugal force!
Leonard Actually, it’s centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive. (The olive drops.) Excuse me. (Leonard disappears under table.)Now, if you were riding on the olive, you’d be in a non-inertial reference frame, and would (he bangs his head on the underside of the table.)
Penny Are you okay?
Leonard Yeah, I’m okay. Did you spill ketchup?
Penny No.
Leonard I’m not okay.
Scene The stairwell of the apartment building.
Penny Are you sure you don’t want to go to the emergency room?
Leonard No, no, I’m okay, it’s stopped bleeding.
Penny I know, but you did throw up. Isn’t that a sign of a concussion?
Leonard Yes, but I get car sick too, so…
Penny Okay.
Leonard Sorry about your car, by the way.
Penny Oh, no, it’s fine, you got most of it out the window.
Leonard The poor guy on the bike. I had a nice time.
Penny Yeah, me too. Well, um, good night. (Leonard turns across hallway.) Leonard?
Leonard Yeah.
Penny Was this supposed to be a date?
Leonard This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn’t show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.
Penny Okay, I was just checking.
Leonard When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she’s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I’m going to go lay down for a while, good night.
Scene The apartment, Leonard enters.
Sheldon So, how was your date?
Leonard Awesome!
Sheldon Score one for liquor and poor judgement.

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