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Transcripts/The Griffin Equivalency

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Qwe2

Howard and Penny.

Season 2 - Episode 4 - The Griffin Equivalency

Scene The apartment. Leonard is sorting out Chinese food.
Leonard  Let’s see, Raj was the Kung Palo Chicken.
Penny  I’m the dumplings.
Howard  Yes, you are.
Penny  Creepy, Howard.
Howard  Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard  Who was the Shrimp with Lobster Sauce?
Howard  That would be me. Come to Poppa, you un-kosher delight. (To Penny) I’m not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny  Sit over there.
Sheldon (entering, to Penny who is in his spot)  Sit over there. Baby wipe?
Penny  What do you have….
Leonard and Howard together  Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!
Sheldon  I’ll tell you why.
Leonard and Howard  O-o-o-oh!
Sheldon  I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.
Penny  I thought the blowers were more sanitary?
Leonard and Howard  Why? Don’t!
Sheldon  Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Raj (entering excitedly)  Hey guys, I just got the most amazing new… (spots Penny) ew-ew-ew
Penny  Gosh, Raj, do you think you’ll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk? (Shakes head.) Okay, well, I’ll just, um, go eat by myself.
Leonard  Penny, you don’t have to do that.
Penny  No, it’s okay, between (indicates Raj) him not talking, (indicates Sheldon) him talking and… (indicates Howard) him, I’m better off alone, so, (to Raj) goodbye you poor strange little man (gives him a kiss and exits.)
Raj  She’s so considerate.
Howard  So what’s your news?
Raj  Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?
Leonard  Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen.
Raj  Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.
Leonard and Howard together  Well, wow, that’s incredible.
Sheldon  Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?
Raj  Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.
Sheldon  If I had a million guesses I never would have gotten that.
Raj  It’s pretty cool, they’ve got me in with a guy who’s doing something about hunger in Indonesia, and a psychotherapist who’s using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners, and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
Howard  Oh, I’d so do her.
Leonard  You’d do the dolphins.
Howard  Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used.
Raj  Sorry, it’s not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard  Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.
Raj  It’s a lease.
Sheldon  I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?
Raj  Peer review? It’s People magazine. People picked me.
Sheldon  What people?
Raj  The people from People.
Sheldon  Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?
Raj  Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.
Leonard  Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon  In general, yes.
Credits sequence
Scene  Sheldon’s office. He is making annotations on his board.
Sheldon  Oh, there’s my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren’t you, you little subatomic Dickens?
Leonard (entering with Howard)  Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon  Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino.
Howard  Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.
Leonard  Well, we’re going to go apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon  Apologize, for what?
Leonard  Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive.
Sheldon  I sense you’re trying to tell me something.
Howard  You were a colossal ass-hat.
Sheldon  Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard  Really, do tell.
Sheldon  How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard  Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon  I had not considered that.
Leonard  Come on.
Sheldon  I often forget other people have limitations. It’s so sad.
Howard  He can feel sadness?
Leonard  Not really, it’s what you and I would call condescension.
Scene  Outside Raj’s office.
Leonard  And when we go in there, let’s show Raj that we’re happy for him.
Sheldon  But I’m not.
Howard  Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I’m bigger than that.
Sheldon  Fine, what do you want me to do?
Leonard  Smile. (He does, exaggeratedly.)
Howard  Oh crap, that’s terrifying.
Leonard  We’re here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman.
Howard  Try less teeth. (Does. It isn’t much better.)
Leonard  Close enough, come on. (Knocking and entering.) Hi Raj.
Raj  Hey guys, what’s up?
Howard  We just wanted to invite you out to dinner tonight.
Leonard  Celebrate your thirty under thirty thing. Right Sheldon? (He smiles.)
Raj  It’s very nice of you, I would like that.
Gablehauser (entering)  Hello boys.
Raj  Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehauser  Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard  Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser  Dr Hoffstadter.
Sheldon  Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser  Dr Cooper.
Howard  Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser  Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star?
Raj  Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.
Gablehauser  I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.
Sheldon  Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.
Leonard  Sheldon!
Sheldon  Oh, sorry. (Smiles)
Gablehauser  Well, we’ve got to get you into a better office, something more suited to your status.
Raj  Really, you don’t have to go to any trouble.
Gablehauser  How about if I put you in Von Gerlick’s old office?
Raj  I’d rather have Fishbine’s, it’s bigger.
Gablehauser  Done.
Howard  Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.
Sheldon  He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?
Leonard  Sheldon.
Sheldon  Damn, this is hard. (Smiles)
Gablehauser  Let me ask you something, what do you think the business of this place is?
Leonard (after he, Sheldon and Howard whisper to each other)  Science?
Gablehauser  Money.
Howard  Told you.
Gablehauser  And this boy’s picture in People magazine is going to raise us a pile of money taller than… well, taller than you (ruffling Howard’s hair.)
Howard  I have a master’s degree.
Gablehauser  Who doesn’t? Dr. Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch in the President’s dining room?
Raj  I didn’t even know there was a President’s dining room.
Gablehauser  It’s the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy.
Raj  Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)
Leonard  You can stop smiling now.
Sheldon  Aaaah!
Scene  A restaurant.
Raj  So anyway, after a fantastic lunch I was whisked off to the People magazine photo shoot… have any of you boys ever been to a photo shoot?
Leonard  No.
Raj  It’s fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They’re going to digitally add a supernova, they say it’s the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.
Sheldon  Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.)
Raj  Excuse me. Oh, it’s my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard  They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling)  Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard  Not yet.
Raj  Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can’t go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don’t know what I’d do without him.
Leonard  You just got him this afternoon.
Raj  Yes, but I’m finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard  A lackey?
Raj  Oh, I’m sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon  Now?
Leonard  Almost.
Raj  Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard  Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj  Oh, you’re welcome. Of course, I couldn’t get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that’s for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon  There’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)
Penny (bringing another grasshopper)  Here you go, Raj, you might want to drink this one slowly.
Raj  Okay, so, Saturday night, can I count on my posse?
Howard  Gee, I’d love to Raj, but I can’t make it.
Raj  Oh, okay, Leonard?
Leonard  Well, uh, no I… the… no.
Raj  Sheldon?
Sheldon  I can make it, but I won’t.
Penny  What are you guys talking about?
Raj  Well, there’s a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.
Penny  And you guys aren’t going? I can’t believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you’re not even going to be there to support him?
Sheldon  A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard  That would be cool. I’d go to that reception.
Penny  Come on, this is huge, Raj is going to be in People magazine. And he didn’t even have to knock up one of the Spears sisters.
Raj  Would you like to go with me?
Penny  Of course I would, I would be honored.
Raj  Really? Cool.
Penny  Shame on you guys. (Leaves)
Raj  Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can’t believe it took you a whole year.
Sheldon  Now?
Leonard  Now. (They all get up and leave. Raj looks around himself, then leans over to the next table.)
Raj  Hey, buddy. I’m going to be in people magazine.
Charlie Sheen (turning round)  Yeah, call me when you’re on the cover.
Scene  Outside Penny’s door. Raj in a suit knocks on the door with his foot as he has a glass of champagne in both hands. He drinks one. Penny opens door, she is dressed up also.
Penny  Oh, Raj, look at you!
Raj  I know, I am resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not?
Penny  Um, yeah, starting with the champagne a little early aren’t you?
Raj  It was in the limo. They sent a limo. I have a limo. I just love saying limo. Here, sip on this while you’re getting ready.
Penny  Oh, I’m ready.
Raj  That’s what you’re wearing.
Penny  Um, yeah, why what’s wrong with it?
Raj  Nothing, I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, redonkulous.
Penny  Yeah, well, this is all the donkulous you’re gonna get.
Raj  Okey dokey, let’s roll. Alright, it’s time to raise the roof. Oo-ooh, oo-ooh.
Penny (to Leonard who is just coming up the stairs)  Hey Leonard.
Leonard  Hey.
Raj  Dude.
Leonard  You look very nice.
Raj and Penny together  Thank you.
Penny  Uh, come on, good night Leonard.
Leonard  Good night.
Raj  Hey, Leonard, did you see my limo downstairs.
Leonard  Yeah.
Raj  It’s bigger than the house my grandfather grew up in.
Leonard  Terrific.
Raj  It has more food too.
Penny  Alright, come on, come on.
Raj (leaving, singing)  I’m coming up so you better get this party started.
Leonard (entering apartment)  Hey.
Howard  Hey, good news, you don’t have to sulk about Penny any more, look, there are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
Leonard  Anythingforagreencard.com?
Howard  I’ll lend you my user name, it’s wealthybigpenis.
Leonard  You’re joking.
Howard  Well, you gotta make it easy for them, they’re just learning English.
Leonard  Pass.
Howard  So you’re just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Doctor Apu from the Kwik-e-Mart?
Leonard  It’s not a date, and that’s racist.
Howard  It can’t be racist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons.
Leonard  Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.
Sheldon  Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?
Leonard  Yes.
Sheldon  Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Leonard  Yes.
Sheldon  Brown rice, not white?
Leonard  Yes.
Sheldon  Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.
Leonard  Yes.
Sheldon  Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?
Leonard  Yes.
Sheldon  Thank you.
Leonard  You’re welcome.
Sheldon  What took you so long?
Leonard  Just sit down and eat.
Sheldon  Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.)
Leonard  Alright, it’s shredded, what do you want me to do?
Sheldon  I want you to check before you accept the order.
Leonard  Sorry.
Sheldon  Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?
Leonard  He’s not going to have intercourse with Penny.
Sheldon  Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.
Howard  Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle.
Sheldon  That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.
Leonard  Do the shrimpers feature in your story?
Sheldon  No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.
Howard  Lucky?
Sheldon  Yes, Lucky.
Leonard  He’s irony impaired, just move on.
Howard  Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue.
Sheldon  While others mourned Lucky, I realized his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.
Howard  So, not a puppy?
Sheldon  Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.
Leonard  A griffin?
Sheldon  Yes, half eagle, half lion.
Leonard  And mythological.
Sheldon  Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
Howard  Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point.
Sheldon  My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.
Leonard  You want to breed a new friend?
Sheldon  That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.
Howard  Sheldon, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re insane.
Leonard  That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn’t kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon  Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested.
Leonard  If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard  And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon  He should share our love of technology.
Howard  And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard  Yeah, let’s see, money, women, technology, okay we’re agreed, our new friend is going to be Iron Man.
Scene  Raj’s apartment. Raj is heard singing in a drunk voice through the door. He enters with his arm around Penny.
Raj  Welcome to the Raj Mahal.
Penny  Yes, it’s very nice, goodnight Raj.
Raj  No, wait, the evening’s not over.
Penny  Yes it is.
Raj  No, it’s time to put on some R. Kelly and suck face.
Penny  Oh, wow, is the evening over.
Raj (as a ringing noise is heard)  Wait, wait, that’s my mummy and daddy calling from India. I want you to meet my parents.
Penny  Wait, meet them.
Raj (inhales deeply, picks up laptop, presses a button. His mother and father appear on the screen)  Hello mummy and daddy, good to see you. I’m not drunk.
Mrs. Koothrappali  Why would you say that?
Raj  Just making conversation. Mummy, daddy, I want you to meet my new squeeze, Penny.
Penny  I am not your squeeze. There is no squeezing.
Dr. Koothrappali  I can’t see her, center her in the frame.
Raj  Here you go, cute huh?
Mrs. Koothrappali  She’s not Indian.
Dr. Koothrappali  So, she’s not Indian, the boy’s just sowing some wild oats.
Penny  No, no, there’s no sowing, no squeezing, and no sucking face.
Mrs. Koothrappali  What if he gets her pregnant. Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren.
Raj  What right do you have to pick who I can have children with?
Dr. Koothrappali  Look, Rajesh, I understand, you’re in America, you want to try the local cuisine. But trust me, you don’t want it for a steady diet.
Raj  Now you listen to me, I am no longer a child, and I will not be spoken to like one. Now if you’d excuse me, I have to go throw up.
Mrs. Koothrappali  What’s wrong with him?
Penny  I don’t know, maybe it’s the local cuisine. Okay, well, it’s nice to meet you, just gonna set you on down over here, and I’m going to leave so, Namaste. (Leaves, then almost immediately returns) And FYI, you’d be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law.
Dr. Koothrappali  She’s feisty. I like that.
Scene  Penny’s apartment. She is in her bathrobe. A note slides under the door.
Penny (opening door to find Raj outside)  Raj, what are you doing. (He hands her the note). No. No notes. If you have something to say to me, say it.
Raj (tries several times. Finally, in a high pitched squeak)  Sorry.
Penny  Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. (She hugs him. As she does, Leonard exits his apartment to see Penny, in bathrobe, hugging Raj who is apparently about to leave. As she goes back inside, Raj turns, smiles, and puts both thumbs up. Leonard turns, with an upset look, to Sheldon who is standing behind him. Sheldon gives him his exaggerated smile.)

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