The Big Bang Theory

Transcripts/The Hamburger Postulate

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Leslie &amp; Leonard

Geek couple.

Season 1 - Episode 03 - The Hamburger Postulate

Scene The Cheesecake Factory
Sheldon Alright, I’m moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of Orcs from Lord of the Rings, we flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard Not so fast, remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard No, no, no, no, Orcs are magic, Superman is vulnerable to magic, not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj Why don’t you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh.
Penny Hi, you guys ready to order?
Howard Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu Gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard And Orcs!
Penny I’ll be back.
Raj Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, and Shiva is the destroyer. When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny Alright, my boss says you either have to order, or leave and never come back.
Howard What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio-funk?
Penny A shower.
Howard I’ll take the heart smart platter.
Penny Alright, thank you, and Sheldon.
Sheldon We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.
Penny Well, it’s all good.
Sheldon Statistically unlikely.
Leonard Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.
Sheldon I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here.
Leonard I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger.
Penny Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.
Penny The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger.
Leonard Make it two.
Sheldon Waitresses don’t yell at you at Big Boy.
Leslie (Entering) Hey Leonard, hi guys.
Leonard Hey Lesley.
Lesley I didn’t know you ate here.
Sheldon We don’t. This is a disturbing aberration.
Leonard Lesley, this is Penny, she lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.
Howard And walks in quiet beauty like the night.
Penny Howard, I’ve asked you not to do that.
Leonard Lesley and I do research together at the University.
Penny Oh, wow, a girl scientist.
Lesley Yep, come for the breasts, stay for the brains. So, I’m glad I ran into you, the physics department string quartet needs a new cellist.
Leonard What happened to Elliot Wong?
Lesley He switched over to high energy radiation research, had a little mishap, and now the other guys are uncomfortable sitting next to him. So, are you in?
Leonard Yeah, sure, why not.
Lesley Great, we rehearse on Tuesdays at your place.
Leonard Why at my place?
Lesley Yeah, the department of energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone. Nice meeting you.
Penny Yeah, you too. Leonard, I didn’t know you played the cello?
Leonard Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn’t getting me beaten up enough.
Howard If you’re into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.
Penny Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two.
Leonard Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding?
Sheldon He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure.
Leonard Thank you Sheldon.
Sheldon Oh, I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?
Penny Oh, that’s too bad, you guys would make a cute couple.
Raj Oh dear.
Howard What’s the matter?
Raj She didn’t take my order.
Howard How can she take your order when you’re too neurotic to talk to her.
Raj Nevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip.
Scene The stairwell of the apartment building.
Leonard What did Penny mean, you’d make a cute couple?
Sheldon Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable.
Leonard If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available.
Sheldon You’re a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard How so?
Sheldon You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard Well, what do you think.
Sheldon I said I could follow it, I didn’t say I cared.
Scene The apartment living room. The string quartet are practicing.
Lesley I admire your fingering.
Leonard Thank you.
Lesley Maybe some time you can try that on my instrument.
Lesley Goodnight guys, good job.
Male string quartettist Thanks.
Female string quartettist See you next week.
Leonard That was fun, Lesley, thanks for including me.
Lesley You’re welcome. If you’re up for it we could practise that middle section again.
Leonard Uh, sure, why not.
Lesley Just so we’re clear, you understand that me hanging back to practise with you is a pretext for letting you know that I’m sexually available.
Leonard Really?
Lesley Yeah, I’m good to go.
Leonard I thought you weren’t interested in me.
Lesley That was before I saw you handling that beautiful piece of wood between your legs.
Leonard You mean my cello?
Lesley No, I mean the obvious crude double entendre. I’m seducing you.
Leonard No kidding?
Lesley What can I say, I’m a passionate and impulsive woman. So how about it?
Leonard Gee, uh…
Lesley Is it the waitress?
Leonard Penny? What about her?
Lesley Well, I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her, which, unless you’re a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.
Leonard Well, I did have a poppy seed bagel for breakfast, which could give a positive urine test for opiates but certainly not dilate my pupils, so I guess there’s no point in bringing it up.
Lesley You and the waitress then?
Leonard No. No, there’s nothing going on between Penny and me.
Lesley So, you’re open to a sexual relationship?
Leonard Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.
Lesley Good.
Leonard Yeah, yeah it is good. Did you want to start now?
Lesley Why don’t we finish the section first.
Leonard Oh. Okay. A little musical foreplay. Terrific.
Leonard I’m good, I’m good to go.
Lesley Me too. (Exit in direction of bedrooms.)
Scene The hallway, Sheldon scuttles out of apartment door and crosses to Penny’s. Knocks on it urgently.
Penny (Opening door) Oh, hey Sheldon, what’s going on?
Sheldon I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penny I’m sorry?
Sheldon Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols – it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not.
Sheldon Just come with me.
Sheldon Well?
Penny Well what?
Sheldon What does it mean?
Penny Oh, come on, you went to college.
Sheldon Yes, but I was eleven.
Penny Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn’t want to be disturbed because they’re, you know, getting busy.
Sheldon So you’re saying Leonard has a girl in there.
Penny Well, either that or he’s lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams.
Lesley (Voice off) Oh Leonard, you magnificent beast.
Penny We really shouldn’t be standing here.
Sheldon (Entering living room) This is very awkward.
Penny Oh, come on, you know, Leonard’s had girls over before, right?
Sheldon Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.
Penny Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?
Sheldon I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide.
Penny So, do you know who’s in there?
Sheldon Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster.
Penny Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night.
Sheldon No, no, wait, hold on.
Penny What’s the matter?
Sheldon I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage?
Penny Gee, Sheldon, you’re asking the wrong girl. I’m usually on the other side of the tie.
Sheldon Hi, Leonard. It’s me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You’re welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley.
Scene In Leonard’s Bedroom. Leonard wakes up next to Lesley, puts on glasses and grins.
Scene Living room, Sheldon is sleeping on the sofa, with his head on Lesley’s Violin case.
Sheldon Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard (Entering) Hey, what’s the matter?
Sheldon My equations, someone’s tampered with my equations.
Leonard Are you sure?
Sheldon Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta function of quantum chromodynamics, the sign’s been changed.
Leonard Oh yeah. But doesn’t that fix the problem you’ve been having?
Sheldon Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having.
Lesley (Entering) You’re welcome.
Sheldon You did this?
Lesley Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?
Sheldon Cool?
Lesley Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night.
Leonard Thank you, I’ll see you at work.
Sheldon Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!
Lesley What?
Sheldon Who told you you could touch my board?
Lesley No-one.
Sheldon I don’t come into your house and touch your board.
Lesley There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Sheldon Oh, that is so… so…
Lesley I’m sorry, I’ve got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves).
Sheldon Inconsiderate, that is the adjective, inconsiderate.
Scene The hallway.
Leonard (Exiting the apartment) You can stare at your board all day Sheldon, she’s still going to be right.
Sheldon (Inside) I’m not staring, I’m mulling.
Penny Oh, hey Leonard.
Leonard Oh, hi.
Penny So, how’s it going?
Leonard Pretty good.
Penny Just pretty good, I’d think you were doing very good.
Leonard Pretty, very, there’s really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask?
Penny Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night.
Leonard Sheldon!
Sheldon I’m coming.
Penny So, is it serious, do you like her?
Leonard Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go!
Sheldon Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse.
Penny Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard.
Leonard Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.
Sheldon Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?
Leonard You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent.
Sheldon She’s not that intelligent.
Leonard She fixed your equation.
Sheldon She got lucky.
Leonard You don’t believe in luck.
Sheldon I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky.
Leonard Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy.
Sheldon Leonard?
Leonard Yeah.
Sheldon I still don’t care.
Scene Leonard and Lesley’s lab.
Leonard Hey, Lesley.
Lesley Careful  Leonard, liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.
Leonard Brrrr. Why are you smashing a flash frozen banana.
Lesley Because I’ve got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn’t find a knife.
Leonard So anyway (puts arms around her) Hello.
Lesley Uh, what are you doing?
Leonard Just extending the intimacy. Do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share a decontamination shower?
Lesley Okay, uh, what exactly do you think’s going on between us?
Leonard I’m not sure, but I think I’m about to discover how the banana felt.
Lesley Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists but we both understand the biochemistry of sex, I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat’s brain, give him an orgasm button, he’ll push that thing until he starves to death. 
Leonard Who wouldn’t?
Lesley Well, the only difference between us and a rat is that you can’t stick an electrode in our hypothalamus. That’s where you come in.
Leonard Yeah, well, I’m just glad to be a part of it. So what happens now?
Lesley Well, I don’t know about your sex drive, but I’m probably good till New Years.
Leonard Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Lesley Thank you!
Leonard You want to make plans for New Years.
Lesley Woah, Leonard, please, you’re smothering me.
Leonard (Leaving) Sorry.
Howard Hey, look, it’s Doctor Stud!
Leonard Doctor what?
Howard The blogosphere is a-buzzing with news of you and Lesley Winkle making eine kleine bang-bang music.
Leonard Wha… how did it get on the internet?
Howard I put it there.
Leonard Well, how did you know about it?
Raj A little bird told us. Apparently you are a magnificent beast.
Leonard Well, that part’s true!
Scene The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant.
Leonard No kidding.
Sheldon I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger.
Leonard Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted.
Sheldon Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation.
Leonard Really?
Sheldon Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup.
Penny So, how’s everything.
Sheldon Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
Penny Really, oh yay!
Sheldon Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
Penny Um, I don’t know, a psychiatrist? So hey, how are things with you and Lesley?
Leonard Oh, to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to work out.
Penny Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).
Leonard Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?
Sheldon You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.
Leonard Are you even listening to me?
Sheldon Of course I’m listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.
Leonard Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup. (Sheldon nods).

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