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Transcripts/The Loobenfeld Decay

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Season 1 - Episode 10 - The Loobenfeld Decay
Bbt110

Sheldon and his "cousin".

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Scene The downstairs lobby.
Leonard See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson’s death in Terminator 2.
Sheldon Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?
Leonard Skynet is kinky? I don’t know.
Sheldon Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
Leonard Alright, oh wait, they use it to in…
Sheldon (Buzzing noise), too late, I win.
Penny (Voice off, singing off key) Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight.
Leonard What the hell is that?
Sheldon I don’t know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).
Penny (Still singing off) You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we’ll take my… (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going?
Leonard What? Oh we just had to… mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.)
Penny You’ll never guess what just happened.
Leonard Oh, I give up.
Sheldon I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot.
Penny What was that?
Leonard Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?
Penny Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn’t get it and I couldn’t figure out why?
Sheldon I have a conclusion based on an observation.
Leonard No you don’t. No he doesn’t.
Penny Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.
Leonard Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.
Penny It’s not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know.
Sheldon I think I know.
Leonard No you don’t. He doesn’t.
Penny It’s this Friday at eight, you guys want to come?
Together No.
Leonard Because…. uh, Friday, we are attending a Symposium on Molecular Positronium
Sheldon I think that’s a week from Tuesday at six.
Leonard No, it’s this Friday, at eight.
Penny Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys.
Leonard See you. (Penny exits singing)
Sheldon You just lied to Penny.
Leonard Yes, I did.
Sheldon And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
Leonard So?
Sheldon So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Leonard Sheldon, are you worried about your safety.
Sheldon No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you’d have done it a long time ago.
Leonard That’s very true.
Scene Outside Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…
Leonard What?
Sheldon I need to speak to you.
Leonard It’s two o’clock in the morning
Sheldon It’s important.
Leonard I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?
Sheldon Yes.
Leonard (Opening door) What?
Sheldon You’re right, it can wait until morning.
Leonard (Following Sheldon into living room) What, what, what, what, what?
Sheldon Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.
Leonard Sheldon, what is it?
Sheldon I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard What was I supposed to say.
Sheldon You could have told her the truth.
Leonard That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard Yes.
Sheldon Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing center of your brain.
Leonard I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again.
Sheldon Why?
Leonard It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon I was not aware of that.
Leonard Well now you are.
Sheldon Oh, alright. Leonard.
Leonard Yes.
Sheldon When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight.
Scene Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)…..
Leonard Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?
Sheldon I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard How?
Sheldon Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.
Sheldon Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today.
Scene Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.
Penny Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.
Penny What do you want?
Sheldon Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a Symposium on Molecular Positronium?
Penny I remember symposium.
Sheldon Yes, well, he lied.
Penny Wait, what?
Sheldon He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.
Penny Well imagine how I’m feeling.
Sheldon Hungry? Tired? I’m sorry this really isn’t my strong suit.
Scene The living room.
Leonard You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied?
Sheldon To help you.
Leonard I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help.
Sheldon She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me.
Leonard Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling.
Sheldon Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention.
Leonard Your cousin Leopold?
Sheldon Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important.
Leonard What’s important?
Sheldon Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details.
Leonard Do you have a cousin Leopold.
Sheldon No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee.
Leonard I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?
Sheldon Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web.
Leonard Un-unravelable?
Sheldon Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.
Leonard Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing.
Sheldon Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive.
Leonard We’re going to Long Beach?
Sheldon No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.
Leonard Oh, come on!
Sheldon We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.
Leonard So he goes back into rehab?
Sheldon Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.
Leonard You still told her I lied.
Sheldon For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?
Leonard I don’t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this.
Sheldon That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force.
Leonard So she’s expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we’re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach?
Sheldon Un-unravelable.
Scene Apartment 4A
Leonard (Opening door) Oh hey Penny, wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase, you look great.
Penny Thanks. I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your symposium.
Leonard Oh, well, thankyou.
Penny You know, I got to tell you, a lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that’s not who you are, you are the kind of guy who stands by a friend when… when he has a symposium to go to.
Leonard I don’t know what to say.
Penny It’s okay, Leonard (hugs him.)
Leonard Oh, okay, alright, good.
Howard (Arriving) Oh boy, group hug.
Penny Uh-huh!
Howard Uh-huh?
Penny Uh-huh!
Howard Okay. So what’s up?
Sheldon Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a Symposium on Molecular Positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian.
Howard Wait a minute, Farminfarmian is speaking and you’re Bogarding the symposium.
Leonard Howard, I’m sorry… we’re… we’re
Howard No, no, you’re quark-blocking us.
Leonard I don’t know what to say.
Howard Wow.
Leonard Howard, listen…
Howard No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening.
Penny Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them.
Sheldon Okay, sure. I don’t see a problem with that.
Penny There’s no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn’t that right Leonard.
Leonard Well… I don’t know what to say.
Penny It’s okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm…ian
Sheldon Good for you.
Penny Hah, yeah! Because he didn’t want Sheldon to be embarrassed, and there is nothing to be embarrassed okay, every family in America has a relative holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner.
Howard (After Raj whispers in his ear) No, I’m lost too, I think she skipped a step.
Penny No, look, Sheldon’s cousin Leo escaped rehab, and he’s in a Motel 8 at Long Beach, the whole family’s going out for an intervention. Leonard is driving Sheldon down there to help him through this because he’s such a good man.
Leonard Oh, another hug, thank you.
Penny Alright you guys, good luck.
Leonard Thanks Penny.
Howard Yeah, uh, break a leg.
Sheldon Break a leg. (She leaves)
Howard So, road trip to Long Beach.
Leonard No, we’re not going to Long Beach.
Raj Why not?
Leonard Because Sheldon doesn’t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold.
Raj Oh, too bad. I’ve always wanted to go to Long Beach.
Sheldon It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner.
Raj Sounds fun.
Howard I’m game.
Raj Shotgun.
Sheldon No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it’s iffy.
Leonard Wait, are we really going to Long Beach?
Scene Leonard’s bedroom. The bedside table is piled with Queen Mary memorabilia.
Sheldon (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…
Leonard Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not.
Sheldon No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioral aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie.
Leonard What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over.
Sheldon Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realized that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.
Leonard Why not?
Sheldon Because Leo is a middle child.
Leonard There is no Leo, how can you say that?
Sheldon You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.
Leonard I’ve got a solution.
Sheldon Great, what is it?
Leonard Get out.
Sheldon Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I’ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I’m just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We’ll talk in the morning.
Scene The living room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown. There is a strange man eating cereal at the kitchen table.
Strange man Morning.
Leonard Who are you?
Man I am Sheldon’s cousin Leo.
Leonard Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.
Man Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.
Sheldon Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.
Man Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology.
Sheldon For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you.
Leonard Sheldon?
Sheldon I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theater at MIT.
Toby It was more of a double major actually. Theater and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards.
Leonard Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why?
Sheldon Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.
Leonard Oh…!
Toby Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.
Sheldon No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.
Toby Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition?
Sheldon Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.
Penny Hi. How did the intervention go.
Sheldon Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab.
Penny Well, based on what you told me, I’m not surprised.
Sheldon But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbor.
Penny Hi Leo, how are you feeling?
Toby Let me ask you something, Penny. Have you ever woken up in a fleabag motel, covered in your own vomit, next to a transsexual prostitute?
Penny No.
Toby Then don’t ask me how I’m feeling.
Leonard Well, that’s Leo. Hey, um, why don’t you tell me about your showcase last night?
Penny Oh, it was okay I guess, wasn’t a big turn out but they both really seemed to like it.
Leonard There were only two people there?
Penny By the end. Yeah.
Toby Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan!
Penny I’m… I’m sorry.
Toby The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.
Sheldon Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.
Toby That’s never been proven.
Sheldon There have been studies.
Toby Not double blind studies.
Sheldon How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group.
Leonard As you can see, detoxing can get pretty ugly, let’s give them some privacy.
Penny Yeah. Hey, do you want to come over to my place, have coffee?
Leonard Sounds good.
Penny I have a video of me singing last night, do you want to see it?
Leonard Gee, why wouldn’t I?
Penny This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me.
Leonard Yeah! Funny how things work out.
Toby And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide.
Sheldon Your parents made the right decision.
Toby I cannot work like this!
Scene Apartment 4A. Penny is on the sofa with Toby. They are watching TV.
Toby This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch, watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk, or high, or… or… wondering if you’re a dude down there.
Penny Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You’re gonna do okay.
Toby One day at a time, Penny, one day at a time.
Leonard How long is he going to stay here.
Sheldon He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.

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