See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson’s death in Terminator 2.
Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?
Leonard
Skynet is kinky? I don’t know.
Sheldon
Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
(Voice off, singing off key) Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight.
Leonard
What the hell is that?
Sheldon
I don’t know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).
Penny
(Still singing off) You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we’ll take my… (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going?
Leonard
What? Oh we just had to… mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.)
Penny
You’ll never guess what just happened.
Leonard
Oh, I give up.
Sheldon
I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot.
Penny
What was that?
Leonard
Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?
Penny
Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn’t get it and I couldn’t figure out why?
Sheldon
I have a conclusion based on an observation.
Leonard
No you don’t. No he doesn’t.
Penny
Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.
Leonard
Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.
Penny
It’s not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know.
I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?
Sheldon
Yes.
Leonard
(Opening door) What?
Sheldon
You’re right, it can wait until morning.
Leonard
(Following Sheldon into living room) What, what, what, what, what?
Sheldon
Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.
Leonard
Sheldon, what is it?
Sheldon
I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard
What was I supposed to say.
Sheldon
You could have told her the truth.
Leonard
That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon
Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard
Yes.
Sheldon
Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard
And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon
I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing center of your brain.
Leonard
I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again.
Sheldon
Why?
Leonard
It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon
I was not aware of that.
Leonard
Well now you are.
Sheldon
Oh, alright. Leonard.
Leonard
Yes.
Sheldon
When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight.
Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?
Sheldon
I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard
How?
Sheldon
Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.
Sheldon
Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today.
Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.
He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.
Penny
Well imagine how I’m feeling.
Sheldon
Hungry? Tired? I’m sorry this really isn’t my strong suit.
Scene
The living room.
Leonard
You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied?
Sheldon
To help you.
Leonard
I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help.
Sheldon
She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me.
Leonard
Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling.
Sheldon
Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention.
Leonard
Your cousin Leopold?
Sheldon
Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important.
Leonard
What’s important?
Sheldon
Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details.
Leonard
Do you have a cousin Leopold.
Sheldon
No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee.
Leonard
I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?
Sheldon
Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web.
Leonard
Un-unravelable?
Sheldon
Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.
Leonard
Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing.
Sheldon
Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive.
Leonard
We’re going to Long Beach?
Sheldon
No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.
Leonard
Oh, come on!
Sheldon
We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.
Leonard
So he goes back into rehab?
Sheldon
Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.
Leonard
You still told her I lied.
Sheldon
For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?
Leonard
I don’t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this.
Sheldon
That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force.
Leonard
So she’s expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we’re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach?
(Opening door) Oh hey Penny, wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase, you look great.
Penny
Thanks. I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your symposium.
Leonard
Oh, well, thankyou.
Penny
You know, I got to tell you, a lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that’s not who you are, you are the kind of guy who stands by a friend when… when he has a symposium to go to.
Wait a minute, Farminfarmian is speaking and you’re Bogarding the symposium.
Leonard
Howard, I’m sorry… we’re… we’re
Howard
No, no, you’re quark-blocking us.
Leonard
I don’t know what to say.
Howard
Wow.
Leonard
Howard, listen…
Howard
No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening.
Penny
Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them.
Sheldon
Okay, sure. I don’t see a problem with that.
Penny
There’s no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn’t that right Leonard.
Leonard
Well… I don’t know what to say.
Penny
It’s okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm…ian
Sheldon
Good for you.
Penny
Hah, yeah! Because he didn’t want Sheldon to be embarrassed, and there is nothing to be embarrassed okay, every family in America has a relative holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner.
Howard
(After Raj whispers in his ear) No, I’m lost too, I think she skipped a step.
Penny
No, look, Sheldon’s cousin Leo escaped rehab, and he’s in a Motel 8 at Long Beach, the whole family’s going out for an intervention. Leonard is driving Sheldon down there to help him through this because he’s such a good man.
Because Sheldon doesn’t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold.
Raj
Oh, too bad. I’ve always wanted to go to Long Beach.
Sheldon
It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner.
Raj
Sounds fun.
Howard
I’m game.
Raj
Shotgun.
Sheldon
No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it’s iffy.
Leonard
Wait, are we really going to Long Beach?
Scene
Leonard’s bedroom. The bedside table is piled with Queen Mary memorabilia.
Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not.
Sheldon
No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioral aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie.
Leonard
What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over.
Sheldon
Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realized that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.
Leonard
Why not?
Sheldon
Because Leo is a middle child.
Leonard
There is no Leo, how can you say that?
Sheldon
You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.
Leonard
I’ve got a solution.
Sheldon
Great, what is it?
Leonard
Get out.
Sheldon
Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I’ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I’m just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We’ll talk in the morning.
Scene
The living room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown. There is a strange man eating cereal at the kitchen table.
Strange man
Morning.
Leonard
Who are you?
Man
I am Sheldon’s cousin Leo.
Leonard
Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.
Man
Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.
Sheldon
Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.
Man
Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology.
Sheldon
For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you.
Leonard
Sheldon?
Sheldon
I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theater at MIT.
Toby
It was more of a double major actually. Theater and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards.
Leonard
Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why?
Sheldon
Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.
Leonard
Oh…!
Toby
Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.
Sheldon
No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.
Toby
Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition?
Sheldon
Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.
Penny
Hi. How did the intervention go.
Sheldon
Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab.
Penny
Well, based on what you told me, I’m not surprised.
Sheldon
But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbor.
Penny
Hi Leo, how are you feeling?
Toby
Let me ask you something, Penny. Have you ever woken up in a fleabag motel, covered in your own vomit, next to a transsexual prostitute?
Penny
No.
Toby
Then don’t ask me how I’m feeling.
Leonard
Well, that’s Leo. Hey, um, why don’t you tell me about your showcase last night?
Penny
Oh, it was okay I guess, wasn’t a big turn out but they both really seemed to like it.
Leonard
There were only two people there?
Penny
By the end. Yeah.
Toby
Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan!
Penny
I’m… I’m sorry.
Toby
The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.
Sheldon
Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.
Toby
That’s never been proven.
Sheldon
There have been studies.
Toby
Not double blind studies.
Sheldon
How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group.
Leonard
As you can see, detoxing can get pretty ugly, let’s give them some privacy.
Penny
Yeah. Hey, do you want to come over to my place, have coffee?
Leonard
Sounds good.
Penny
I have a video of me singing last night, do you want to see it?
Leonard
Gee, why wouldn’t I?
Penny
This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me.
Leonard
Yeah! Funny how things work out.
Toby
And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide.
Sheldon
Your parents made the right decision.
Toby
I cannot work like this!
Scene
Apartment 4A. Penny is on the sofa with Toby. They are watching TV.
Toby
This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch, watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk, or high, or… or… wondering if you’re a dude down there.
Penny
Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You’re gonna do okay.
Toby
One day at a time, Penny, one day at a time.
Leonard
How long is he going to stay here.
Sheldon
He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
