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Season 1 - Episode 06 - The Middle Earth Paradigm
Mid5

Penny kisses Leonard.

Scene Lobby of the apartment building, Howard, Raj, Sheldon and Leonard enter in combat gear, covered in blue paint.
Raj Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.
Howard That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party.
Leonard I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.
Sheldon You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Leonard Sheldon, let it go.
Sheldon No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
Howard I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster.
Sheldon I was giving clear, concise orders.
Leonard You hid behind a tree yelling “get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah.”
Penny (Arriving) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard Hello Penny.
Howard Morning ma’am.
Penny So, how was paintball, did you have fun?
Sheldon Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.
Penny Okay, um, oh hey, I’m having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by.
Leonard A party?
Penny Yeah.
Howard A boy-girl party?
Penny Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…
Sheldon Dancing?
Leonard Yeah, I don’t know, Penny…
Sheldon The thing is, we’re not….
Leonard We’re really more….
Sheldon No.
Leonard But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.
Penny Are you sure? Come on, it’s Halloween.
Sheldon A Halloween party?
Howard As in, costumes?
Penny Well, yeah.
Leonard Is there a theme?
Penny Um, yeah, Halloween.
Sheldon Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?
Penny As usual, I’m not following.
Leonard He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…
Penny Sure.
Sheldon What about comic-books?
Penny Fine.
Sheldon Anime?
Penny Of course.
Sheldon TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods…
Penny Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye.
Howard Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.
Scene The apartment living room. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard (Off) I’ll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.)
Howard (Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume) Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)
Leonard Oh, no.
Sheldon Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)
Raj Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!
Sheldon See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
Leonard We all have other costumes, we can change.
Raj Or, we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast.
Howard No, no, no, it’s a boy-girl party, this Flash runs solo.
Leonard Okay, how about this, nobody gets to be The Flash, we all change, agreed?
All Agreed.
Leonard I call Frodo!
All Damn!
Scene The same, later. Leonard is dressed as Frodo. Howard appears to be Peter Pan. There is a knock on the door.
Raj (Entering dressed as Thor) Hey. Sorry I’m late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
Leonard You went with Thor?
Raj What? Just because I’m Indian I can’t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That’s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he’s not English, but he’s dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon (entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he’s obviously the Doppler Effect.
Howard I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood.
Raj Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man.
Leonard Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.
Sheldon I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect.
Leonard No, it’s not…
Sheldon If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!
Leonard Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.
Sheldon Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?
Leonard For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.
Sheldon Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.
Leonard All I’m saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group. A potential close friend and… perhaps more. I don’t want to look like a dork.
Scene The hallway. Howard knocks on Penny’s door with his bow.
Howard Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I’ve got a dozen condoms in my quiver.
Penny (Opening door, not in costume) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard Hey, sorry we’re late.
Penny Late? It’s 7
Sheldon And you said the party starts at seven.
Penny Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven.
Sheldon It’s 7
Penny Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.
Howard What, are all the girls in the bathroom?
Penny Probably, but in their own homes.
Sheldon So what time does the costume parade start?
Penny The parade?
Sheldon Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.
Penny Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes.
Sheldon This party is just going to suck.
Penny No, come on, it’s going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that’s so cute.
Leonard Actually, Penny, he’s Rob…
Howard I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.
Penny No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.
Leonard Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect.
Sheldon Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.
Penny Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable.
Leonard Okay.
Sheldon See, people get it.
Raj Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix.
Howard No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights.
Sheldon I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard We’re socialising. Meeting new people.
Sheldon Telepathically?
Penny (Crossing the room in a cat costume, speaking to someone off-screen) Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi!
Raj Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.
Leonard She’s not Catwoman, she’s just a generic cat.
Sheldon And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.
Howard Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it’s time for me to turn my head and cough.
Raj What is your move?
Howard I’m going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back, she shrugs, I shrug, subconsciously she’s thinking we’re in sync, we belong together.
Leonard Where do you get this stuff?
Howard You know, psychology journals, internet research, and there’s this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls.
Raj Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men.
Howard If that’s a working stethoscope, maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat.
Nurse Costume Girl No thanks.
Howard No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
Leonard I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people.
Sheldon Well, I actually might be able to help.
Leonard How so?
Sheldon Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will.
Leonard Go on.
Sheldon Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”
Leonard Then what happens?
Sheldon That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
Leonard This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in.
Sheldon Good luck.
Leonard No, you’re coming with me.
Sheldon Oh, I hardly think so.
Leonard Come on.
Sheldon Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?
Leonard Yes. But I need a wing-man.
Sheldon Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analyzing wreckage.
Girl in Hippie Costume Oh, Hi!
Leonard Hi.
Sheldon Hello.
Girl So, what are you supposed to be?
Sheldon Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!
Girl Uh, a choo-choo train?
Sheldon Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!
Girl A brain damaged choo-choo train?
Girl in Butterfly Costume (Dropping onto sofa next to Raj) How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.)
Sheldon Neeeeeooooowwwwww!
Girl I still don’t get it.
Sheldon I’m the Doppler Effect.
Girl Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.
Leonard Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra?
Sheldon Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves.
Leonard Because I’m Frodo.
Sheldon Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect.
Leonard Oh no.
Sheldon What?
Leonard That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend.
Sheldon What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.
Leonard If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him.
Sheldon Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now.
Leonard Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).
Sheldon You have a back-up hypothesis.
Leonard Maybe they just want to be friends.
Sheldon Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more.
Leonard Then he and I are on equal ground.
Sheldon Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is.
Leonard Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
Sheldon And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
Leonard Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down.
Sheldon True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?
Leonard No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face.
Sheldon Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?
Leonard Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.
Penny Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?
Sheldon Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.
Kurt What, you’re a zebra, right?
Sheldon Yet another child left behind.
Kurt And what are you supposed to be, an Elf?
Leonard No, I’m a Hobbit.
Kurt What’s the difference?
Leonard Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior.
Kurt So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?
Sheldon Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.
Kurt Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.
Leonard I think we’re all talking to Penny here.
Sheldon I’m not. No offence.
Kurt Okay, maybe you didn’t hear me, go away.
Penny Alright Kurt, be nice.
Kurt Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy.
Penny Kurt!
Leonard Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can’t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you’re driven to animalistic puffery.
Kurt Are you calling me a puffy animal?
Penny Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard?
Leonard No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
Sheldon If he understands that, you’re in trouble.
Kurt So what, I’m unevolved?
Sheldon You’re in trouble.
Kurt You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.
Penny Okay, Kurt, please.
Leonard No, Penny, it’s okay, I can handle this. I’m not a dwarf, I’m a Hobbit. A Hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory?
Kurt Okay, now you’re starting to make me mad.
Leonard A homo-habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt What?
Leonard I think I’ve made my point.
Kurt Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.
Sheldon Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless.
Leonard There’s not going to be a confrontation, in fact I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.
Kurt (Physically lifting Leonard from the ground) C – O – N… frontation!
Penny Kurt, put him down this instant.
Kurt He started it.
Penny I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down.
Kurt Fine. You’re one lucky little leprechaun.
Sheldon He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back.
Penny Leonard, are you okay.
Leonard Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….
Penny Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming.
Sheldon Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place.
Scene The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.
Leonard What’s that?
Sheldon Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?
Leonard No.
Sheldon Good. There there was really all I had.
Leonard Good night Sheldon.
Sheldon Good night Leonard.
Penny (Knocking on door and entering) Hey Leonard.
Leonard Hi Penny.
Penny Hey, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.
Leonard I’m fine.
Penny I’m so sorry about what happened.
Leonard It’s not your fault.
Penny Yes it is. That’s why I broke up with him, he always does stuff like that.
Leonard So why was he at your party?
Penny Well, I ran into him last week and, he was…  just, all apologetic, about how he’s changed, he was just going on and on and I believed him, and I’m an idiot because I always believe guys like that and… I can’t go back to my party because he’s there, and I know you don’t want to hear this and I’m upset and I’m really drunk and I just want to… (bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard’s shoulder.)
Leonard There there.
Penny God, what is wrong with me.
Leonard Nothing, you’re perfect.
Penny Gah, I’m not perfect.
Leonard Yes you are.
Penny You really think so, don’t you? (She kisses hm.)
Leonard Penny?
Penny Yeah.
Leonard How much have you had to drink tonight?
Penny Just…. a lot.
Leonard Are you sure that you're being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn’t have something to do with what’s going on here?
Penny It might. Boy, you’re really smart.
Leonard Yeah, I’m a frickin’ genius.
Penny Leonard, you are so great. Why can’t all guys be like you?
Leonard Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn’t survive.
Penny I should probably go.
Leonard Probably.
Penny (In doorway) Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.)
Leonard That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)
Scene The apartment, there is a knock on the door.
Sheldon Coming. (Opens door to Howard.)
Howard Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?
Sheldon He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him.
Howard He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God.
Sheldon Thank you for the clarification.
Howard I’m supposed to give him a ride home.
Sheldon Well I’m sure he’ll be fine. He has his hammer.
Scene A random bedroom. Butterfly costume girl is climbing off of Raj.
Butterfly Girl Wow, I have to say, you are an amazing man. You’re gentle and passionate, and my God, you are such a good listener!

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