Transcripts/The Middle Earth Paradigm

Season 1 - Episode 06 - The Middle Earth Paradigm

Penny kisses Leonard.

Scene	Lobby of the apartment building, Howard, Raj, Sheldon and Leonard enter in combat gear, covered in blue paint.
Raj	Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.
Howard	That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard	Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard	Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party.
Leonard	I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.
Sheldon	You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Leonard	Sheldon, let it go.
Sheldon	No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
Howard	I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster.
Sheldon	I was giving clear, concise orders.
Leonard	You hid behind a tree yelling “get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah.”
Penny	(Arriving) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard	Hello Penny.
Howard	Morning ma’am.
Penny	So, how was paintball, did you have fun?
Sheldon	Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.
Penny	Okay, um, oh hey, I’m having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by.
Leonard	A party?
Penny	Yeah.
Howard	A boy-girl party?
Penny	Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…
Sheldon	Dancing?
Leonard	Yeah, I don’t know, Penny…
Sheldon	The thing is, we’re not….
Leonard	We’re really more….
Sheldon	No.
Leonard	But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.
Penny	Are you sure? Come on, it’s Halloween.
Sheldon	A Halloween party?
Howard	As in, costumes?
Penny	Well, yeah.
Leonard	Is there a theme?
Penny	Um, yeah, Halloween.
Sheldon	Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?
Penny	As usual, I’m not following.
Leonard	He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…
Penny	Sure.
Sheldon	What about comic-books?
Penny	Fine.
Sheldon	Anime?
Penny	Of course.
Sheldon	TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods…
Penny	Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye.
Howard	Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.
Scene	The apartment living room. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard	(Off) I’ll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.)
Howard	(Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume) Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)
Leonard	Oh, no.
Sheldon	Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)
Raj	Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!
Sheldon	See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
Leonard	We all have other costumes, we can change.
Raj	Or, we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast.
Howard	No, no, no, it’s a boy-girl party, this Flash runs solo.
Leonard	Okay, how about this, nobody gets to be The Flash, we all change, agreed?
All	Agreed.
Leonard	I call Frodo!
All	Damn!
Scene	The same, later. Leonard is dressed as Frodo. Howard appears to be Peter Pan. There is a knock on the door.
Raj	(Entering dressed as Thor) Hey. Sorry I’m late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
Leonard	You went with Thor?
Raj	What? Just because I’m Indian I can’t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That’s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he’s not English, but he’s dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon (entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he’s obviously the Doppler Effect.
Howard	I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood.
Raj	Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man.
Leonard	Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.
Sheldon	I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect.
Leonard	No, it’s not…
Sheldon	If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!
Leonard	Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.
Sheldon	Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?
Leonard	For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.
Sheldon	Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.
Leonard	All I’m saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group. A potential close friend and… perhaps more. I don’t want to look like a dork.
Scene	The hallway. Howard knocks on Penny’s door with his bow.
Howard	Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I’ve got a dozen condoms in my quiver.
Penny	(Opening door, not in costume) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard	Hey, sorry we’re late.
Penny	Late? It’s 7
Sheldon	And you said the party starts at seven.
Penny	Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven.
Sheldon	It’s 7
Penny	Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.
Howard	What, are all the girls in the bathroom?
Penny	Probably, but in their own homes.
Sheldon	So what time does the costume parade start?
Penny	The parade?
Sheldon	Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.
Penny	Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes.
Sheldon	This party is just going to suck.
Penny	No, come on, it’s going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that’s so cute.
Leonard	Actually, Penny, he’s Rob…
Howard	I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.
Penny	No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.
Leonard	Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect.
Sheldon	Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.
Penny	Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable.
Leonard	Okay.
Sheldon	See, people get it.
Raj	Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix.
Howard	No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights.
Sheldon	I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard	We’re socialising. Meeting new people.
Sheldon	Telepathically?
Penny	(Crossing the room in a cat costume, speaking to someone off-screen) Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi!
Raj	Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.
Leonard	She’s not Catwoman, she’s just a generic cat.
Sheldon	And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.
Howard	Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it’s time for me to turn my head and cough.
Raj	What is your move?
Howard	I’m going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back, she shrugs, I shrug, subconsciously she’s thinking we’re in sync, we belong together.
Leonard	Where do you get this stuff?
Howard	You know, psychology journals, internet research, and there’s this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls.
Raj	Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men.
Howard	If that’s a working stethoscope, maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat.
Nurse Costume Girl	No thanks.
Howard	No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
Leonard	I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people.
Sheldon	Well, I actually might be able to help.
Leonard	How so?
Sheldon	Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will.
Leonard	Go on.
Sheldon	Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”
Leonard	Then what happens?
Sheldon	That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
Leonard	This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in.
Sheldon	Good luck.
Leonard	No, you’re coming with me.
Sheldon	Oh, I hardly think so.
Leonard	Come on.
Sheldon	Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?
Leonard	Yes. But I need a wing-man.
Sheldon	Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analyzing wreckage.
Girl in Hippie Costume	Oh, Hi!
Leonard	Hi.
Sheldon	Hello.
Girl	So, what are you supposed to be?
Sheldon	Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!
Girl	Uh, a choo-choo train?
Sheldon	Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!
Girl	A brain damaged choo-choo train?
Girl in Butterfly Costume	(Dropping onto sofa next to Raj) How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.)
Sheldon	Neeeeeooooowwwwww!
Girl	I still don’t get it.
Sheldon	I’m the Doppler Effect.
Girl	Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.
Leonard	Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra?
Sheldon	Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves.
Leonard	Because I’m Frodo.
Sheldon	Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect.
Leonard	Oh no.
Sheldon	What?
Leonard	That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend.
Sheldon	What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.
Leonard	If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him.
Sheldon	Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now.
Leonard	Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).
Sheldon	You have a back-up hypothesis.
Leonard	Maybe they just want to be friends.
Sheldon	Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more.
Leonard	Then he and I are on equal ground.
Sheldon	Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is.
Leonard	Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
Sheldon	And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
Leonard	Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down.
Sheldon	True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?
Leonard	No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face.
Sheldon	Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?
Leonard	Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.
Penny	Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?
Sheldon	Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.
Kurt	What, you’re a zebra, right?
Sheldon	Yet another child left behind.
Kurt	And what are you supposed to be, an Elf?
Leonard	No, I’m a Hobbit.
Kurt	What’s the difference?
Leonard	Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior.
Kurt	So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?
Sheldon	Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.
Kurt	Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.
Leonard	I think we’re all talking to Penny here.
Sheldon	I’m not. No offence.
Kurt	Okay, maybe you didn’t hear me, go away.
Penny	Alright Kurt, be nice.
Kurt	Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy.
Penny	Kurt!
Leonard	Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can’t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you’re driven to animalistic puffery.
Kurt	Are you calling me a puffy animal?
Penny	Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard?
Leonard	No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
Sheldon	If he understands that, you’re in trouble.
Kurt	So what, I’m unevolved?
Sheldon	You’re in trouble.
Kurt	You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.
Penny	Okay, Kurt, please.
Leonard	No, Penny, it’s okay, I can handle this. I’m not a dwarf, I’m a Hobbit. A Hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory?
Kurt	Okay, now you’re starting to make me mad.
Leonard	A homo-habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt	What?
Leonard	I think I’ve made my point.
Kurt	Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.
Sheldon	Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless.
Leonard	There’s not going to be a confrontation, in fact I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.
Kurt	(Physically lifting Leonard from the ground) C – O – N… frontation!
Penny	Kurt, put him down this instant.
Kurt	He started it.
Penny	I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down.
Kurt	Fine. You’re one lucky little leprechaun.
Sheldon	He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back.
Penny	Leonard, are you okay.
Leonard	Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….
Penny	Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming.
Sheldon	Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place.
Scene	The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.
Leonard	What’s that?
Sheldon	Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?
Leonard	No.
Sheldon	Good. There there was really all I had.
Leonard	Good night Sheldon.
Sheldon	Good night Leonard.
Penny	(Knocking on door and entering) Hey Leonard.
Leonard	Hi Penny.
Penny	Hey, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.
Leonard	I’m fine.
Penny	I’m so sorry about what happened.
Leonard	It’s not your fault.
Penny	Yes it is. That’s why I broke up with him, he always does stuff like that.
Leonard	So why was he at your party?
Penny	Well, I ran into him last week and, he was…  just, all apologetic, about how he’s changed, he was just going on and on and I believed him, and I’m an idiot because I always believe guys like that and… I can’t go back to my party because he’s there, and I know you don’t want to hear this and I’m upset and I’m really drunk and I just want to… (bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard’s shoulder.)
Leonard	There there.
Penny	God, what is wrong with me.
Leonard	Nothing, you’re perfect.
Penny	Gah, I’m not perfect.
Leonard	Yes you are.
Penny	You really think so, don’t you? (She kisses hm.)
Leonard	Penny?
Penny	Yeah.
Leonard	How much have you had to drink tonight?
Penny	Just…. a lot.
Leonard	Are you sure that you're being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn’t have something to do with what’s going on here?
Penny	It might. Boy, you’re really smart.
Leonard	Yeah, I’m a frickin’ genius.
Penny	Leonard, you are so great. Why can’t all guys be like you?
Leonard	Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn’t survive.
Penny	I should probably go.
Leonard	Probably.
Penny	(In doorway) Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.)
Leonard	That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)
Scene	The apartment, there is a knock on the door.
Sheldon	Coming. (Opens door to Howard.)
Howard	Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?
Sheldon	He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him.
Howard	He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God.
Sheldon	Thank you for the clarification.
Howard	I’m supposed to give him a ride home.
Sheldon	Well I’m sure he’ll be fine. He has his hammer.
Scene	A random bedroom. Butterfly costume girl is climbing off of Raj.
Butterfly Girl	Wow, I have to say, you are an amazing man. You’re gentle and passionate, and my God, you are such a good listener!

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