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Transcripts/The Nerdvana Annihilation

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Season 1 - Episode 14 - The Nerdvana Annihilation

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Group owned time machine - "My turn!"

Scene Apartment 4A
Sheldon Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and Swiss on wholewheat.
Raj What did they give you?
Sheldon Turkey and roast beef with Swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.
Leonard I don’t believe it.
Sheldon I know, it’s basic culinary science.
Leonard Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film and no-one is bidding on it.
Howard A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
Leonard No, a time machine from Sophie’s Choice.
Raj Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie. Did you see it, it’s rough.
Howard Oh, that’s cool.
Leonard Uh-huh.
Raj It’s only $800?
Leonard Yeah. And that’s my bid.
Sheldon You bid $800.
Leonard It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it.
Sheldon There’s only 30 seconds left in the auction.
Howard Do you have $800?
Leonard Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
Howard Don’t worry, the way these things work there’s people waiting ‘til the last second to bid, and then they swoop in and get it, it’s called sniping.
Raj Fifteen seconds.
Leonard Come on, snipers.
Raj Ten, nine, eight…
Leonard Where are your snipers?
Raj Five.
Leonard Snipe.
Raj Four.
Leonard Snipe.
Raj Three.
Leonard Snipe!
Raj Two.
Leonard SNIPE!
Raj One.
Leonard Aaaa-aw!
Raj Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
Howard You lucky duck.
Sheldon I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
Leonard Yeah, I know, I still can’t afford it.
Howard Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.
Raj A time share time machine? I’m in. Sheldon?
Sheldon Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid.
Scene The lobby. The guys stand around a full sized time machine.
Sheldon I understand why no-one else bid.
Credits sequence
Scene The same
Raj Did the listing actually say miniature?
Leonard I just assumed. Who sells a full sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets “no longer want my time machine” and “need $800”.
Howard It’s actually a tremendous bargain, even with shipping it works out to less than four dollars a pound.
Raj Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard How are we going to get it upstairs?
Howard If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard Yes but the elevator’s been broken for two years.
Sheldon I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard Not necessary, I have a masters in engineering, I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads. When the Mars rover started pulling to the left I performed a front end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Presses lift button. Nothing happens.) No, that baby’s broken.
Scene The stairwell, approaching the apartment door. Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the last part of the stairs.
Leonard Come on, guys, push.
Howard (Off) If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon.
Raj (Off) I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up.
Sheldon It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.
Raj Sheldon?
Sheldon Yeah.
Raj If my fingers ever work again, I’ve got a job for the middle one.
Penny (Coming out of her apartment) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard (Letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon) Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys!
Penny What are you doing?
Leonard Oh, just, you know, moving… something upstairs.
Penny What is it?
Leonard It’s… you know, time machine.
Penny Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so….
Leonard Uh, just give us a few minutes.
Penny I don’t have a few minutes, I’m running really late.
Sheldon Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell.
Penny You’re joking, right?
Sheldon Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.
Penny Damn, okay, I’ll just take the roof.
Leonard Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it’s not… never mind.
Sheldon For what it’s worth, I thought it was humorous.
Leonard Let’s just do this. Guys, ready to push?
Raj In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up.
Scene The living room. The time machine is set up.
Sheldon I don’t know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy.
Howard Talk about your chick magnets.
Raj Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!
Sheldon Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that?
Raj He’s got a point.
Sheldon Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine.
Leonard Seconded.
Howard I was going to put down a towel.
Raj I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis.
Leonard That sounds fair.
Sheldon Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month?
Raj Twice a month.
Sheldon Then no.
Raj Okay, every other month.
Sheldon No.
Leonard Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876.
Howard Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.
Sheldon Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too.
Leonard So, when it’s your turn you can.
Sheldon But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up.
Raj Also, since the time machine doesn’t move in space, you’ll end up in 1876 Pasadena.
Howard And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”
Raj Mrs Bell was deaf, she’s not even going to hear you knock.
Sheldon Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
Raj Ooh, how far into the future?
Sheldon If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.
Leonard Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328. Here we go into the future. (Pulls lever, the disk begins to spin. The other guys all run around the flat as if moving in fast motion.) That was fun.
Raj My turn.
Penny (Entering) Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide, I slipped and skinned my knee.
Leonard Are you okay?
Penny Zzz-zz-zz-zz! Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family, who insisted I stay for lunch.
Leonard That doesn’t sound too bad.
Penny It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.
Leonard Sorry.
Penny Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this…
Sheldon Time machine.
Leonard The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?
Penny No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that…
Sheldon Again, time machine.
Penny Oh please, it’s not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
Penny Pathetic. All of you, completely pathetic. (Storms out. A beat, and then…)
Raj My turn!
Scene Later that night, Leonard is sitting in the time machine, turning the lights on and off. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon Leonard, it’s two in the morning.
Leonard So?
Sheldon So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard What if I knocked you unconscious right now?
Sheldon It won’t change the past.
Leonard But it would make the present so much nicer.
Sheldon Are you upset about something?
Leonard What was your first clue?
Sheldon Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…
Leonard Yes I’m upset.
Sheldon Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you?
Leonard I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon Wow, I’m on fire tonight.
Leonard Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
Sheldon I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.
Leonard Thanks for pointing it out.
Sheldon In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother.
Leonard Those are movies.
Sheldon Well of course they’re movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That’s absurd.
Scene The stairwell. It is the previous day, and again Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the stairs.
Leonard Come on, guys, push.
Howard (Off) If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon.
Penny (Coming out of her apartment) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard (Letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon) Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys!
Penny What are you doing?
Leonard Oh, just, you know, moving a… time machine.
Penny Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so….
Leonard No problem. (Removes glasses, pulls down out of order tape from lift doors, and forces them open.) Hang on. (Takes Penny in his arms as he holds onto the lift cable.)
Penny But, what about your time machine.
Leonard Some things are more important than toys. (She puts her arms around his neck as he dangles from the cable.)
Penny Oh, I’m scared.
Leonard Don’t worry baby, I’ve got you.
Penny Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.)
Sheldon It’s still my turn.
Scene The living room.
Sheldon What are you doing?
Leonard I’m packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell.
Sheldon Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen.
Leonard It’s not about money.
Raj (Entering) We brought food.
Howard Lox and bagels, the breakfast of time travelers.
Leonard Terrific, does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine?
Raj Why?
Leonard Because I don’t want it any more.
Howard Why?
Leonard Just… personal reasons.
Sheldon My spidey-sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Leonard Look, do you want to buy me out or not?
Raj I’ll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we’ll put it on my balcony.
Howard Screw his balcony, I’ll give you a hundred and twenty and we’ll put it in my garage.
Leonard I paid two hundred dollars for my share.
Raj Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
Sheldon I’ll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is.
Raj Three hundred, and I’ll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millenium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.
Leonard No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers, I’m getting rid of all of it.
Howard You can’t do that, look what you’ve created here, it’s like nerdvana.
Raj More importantly, you’ve a Darth Vader voice changer?
Leonard Not for long.
Raj Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
Howard Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard Well you can’t just call dibs.
Raj I can and I did, look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Sheldon Dibs doesn’t apply in a bidding war.
Leonard It’s not a bidding war, I’m selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store.
Raj Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs?
Howard Will you forget dibs!
Leonard He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
Sheldon What’s the number, I’ll match it.
Raj I’ll match it, plus a thousand rupees.
Sheldon What’s the exchange rate.
Raj None of your business. Take it or leave it.
Howard (On phone) Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel.
Leonard Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.
Sheldon Who cares, as long as you pick me.
Raj Okay, Leonard, put down the box, let’s talk.
Leonard Sorry Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon (Moving to block his path) No. I can’t let you do this.
Leonard Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon (Brandishing toy sword from Leonard’s box) None shall pass.
Leonard Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek:  The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.
Howard Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here.
Penny (Coming out of her flat) What the hell’s going on?
Sheldon You hypocrite!
Penny What?
Sheldon Little Miss “grown ups don’t play with toys”. If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty!
Penny Okay, okay look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said, I was just a bit upset.
Leonard No, I needed to hear it.
Penny No you didn’t. Look, you are a great guy, and it is things you love that make you who you are.
Howard I guess that makes me large breasts.
Leonard Still, I think it’s time for me to get rid of this stuff and… you know… move on with my life.
Penny Really?
Leonard Yeah.
Penny Oh. Wow. Good for you. (Kisses his cheek.)
Leonard Thanks. Hey, do you want to, I don’t know, later…
Good looking man coming up stairs Excuse me. Hey, Penny!
Penny Hi Mike.
Mike Are you ready to go.
Penny Yeah, I just have to change.
Mike I’ll give you a hand.
Penny Oh, stop it! Bye guys.
Leonard (After a long pause) My turn on the time machine.
Scene A jungle. As the camera moves, the time machine becomes visible. Sheldon is sitting in it The disk stops spinning, and he looks around. The dials read APR 28 802,701.
Sheldon It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.)
Leonard Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon We have to get rid of the time machine.
Leonard It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it?
Sheldon Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big.
Leonard I’m glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it, come on in fellas. (A pair of Morlocks come through the door.)
Sheldon Oh no, Morlocks? Eat him, eat him. Aaaaargh. (Sheldon wakes up in his own bed.) Leonard!!!!!!!!

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