The Big Bang Theory

Transcripts/The Peanut Reaction

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Season 1 - Episode 16 - The Peanut Reaction

Peanut Reaction

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Scene The Cheesecake Factory. Raj and Sheldon are arm wrestling while playing tetris. There is a cacophony of cries such as “take him down” and “he’s got you, Sheldon.”
Penny Hey, guys, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
Leonard Oh, it’s called trestling.
Howard It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport.
Penny Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…
Sheldon We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.
Raj Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate.
Penny So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?
Sheldon He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant.
Penny Okay, he can have carrot cake.
Sheldon What about the cream cheese frosting.
Penny he can scrape it off.
Leonard Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday?
Penny I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody’s until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum.
Penny Blah blah blah, a typical Taurus. So, seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?
Leonard Oh, I don’t think so.
Penny Why not?
Leonard I don’t celebrate my birthday.
Penny Shuddup, yeah you do.
Leonard No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny Uh, that’s so silly.
Sheldon It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it.
Penny What was it called, “I hate my son and that’s why he can’t have cake?”
Sheldon It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she’d also denied him Christmas he’d be a little better at it.
Leonard Thank you.
Howard Well I love birthdays, waking up to Mom’s special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Penny Yeah, see, that’s what kids should have.
Howard Actually that was last year.
Penny So you’ve really never had a birthday party?
Leonard No. But it was okay. I mean, when I was little I’d think maybe my parents would change their mind, and surprise me with a party, like this one birthday I came home from my Cello lesson, and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front, and when I got to the door I could hear people whispering, and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.
Penny And?
Leonard Uh, it turns out my grandfather had died.  
Penny Oh my God, that’s terrible.
Leonard Oh, it was kind of like a birthday party. I got to see all my cousins and there was cake, so…7
Penny That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
Howard You think? Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.
Credits sequence
Scene Leonard is exiting Apartment 4A.
Howard (Voice from inside) Make sure they remember no peanuts.
Leonard Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can’t eat peanuts. They see me coming they go “ah, no peanut boy!”
(Leonard exits down stairs. A moment later, Penny peeks out of her apartment, checks the coast is clear, and crosses the hall to the guys apartment. Knocks.)
Sheldon (Answering) Hello Penny. Leonard just left.
Penny I know. I want to talk to you.
Sheldon What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat.
Penny Okay, can you just let me in.
Sheldon Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.
Penny Okay, here’s the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.
Sheldon I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn’t want a party.
Howard Did someone say party?
Penny He just doesn’t know he wants one because he’s never had one.
Howard I suppose that’s possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
Penny Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
Howard Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend?
Sheldon I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.
Penny Anguish?
Sheldon Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.
Penny Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party.
Sheldon Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity.
Penny Nevertheless we are….
Sheldon In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…
Penny Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink.
Sheldon You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.
Penny Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.
Scene Howard and Raj sneak up the stairwell carrying presents. Howard knocks on Penny’s door, a combination of two knocks, two knocks, one knock. Nothing happens. He tries again. Sheldon opens the door.
Sheldon That’s not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)
Howard What difference does it make?
Sheldon The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators.
Penny Is that Raj and Howard?
Sheldon Possibly, but unverified.
Howard Can you just let us in.
Sheldon Luckily for you this is not a nuclear reactor.
Penny So, what did you get the birthday boy?
Howard Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross’s definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.
Penny Nice. I got him a sweater.
Howard Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly.
Penny Uh, Sheldon, I didn’t see your present.
Sheldon That’s because I didn’t bring one.
Penny Well why not?
Howard Don’t ask.
Sheldon The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
Howard Too late.
Sheldon Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?
Howard Told you not to ask.
Penny Well, Sheldon, you’re his friend. Friends give each other presents.
Sheldon I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion.
Howard Try telling him it’s a non-optional social convention.
Penny What?
Howard Just do it.
Penny It’s a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon Oh. Fair enough.
Howard He came with a manual.
Sheldon Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don’t drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers.
Penny Okay, let’s do this, um, I will drive Sheldon to get a present, and Howard, you need to get rid of Leonard for about two hours.
Howard No problem.
Penny And then Raj, you bring the stuff across the hall and start setting up.
Howard (After Raj whispers in his ear) What if guests show up?
Penny Entertain them.
Howard What if they’re women?
Penny Stare at them and make them feel uncomfortable.
Scene The apartment. Leonard is playing an X-Box game.
Howard (Entering)  Hey!
Leonard Hey.
Howard How’s it going?
Leonard Fine.
Howard So, listen, the New Art is showing the revised definitive cut of Blade Runner.
Leonard Seen it.
Howard No, you’ve seen the 25th anniversary final cut. This one has eight seconds of previously unseen footage. They say it completely changes the tone of the film.
Leonard Oh. Pass.
Howard Come on, afterwards there’s a Q & A with Harrison Ford’s body double.
Leonard Look, I am in the Halo battle of my life here, there’s this kid in Copenhagen, he has no immune system so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24/7.
Howard Can’t you play him some other time?
Leonard Not if you believe his doctors.
Howard Oh my God, do you smell gas.
Leonard No.
Howard Yeah, no.
Scene An electronics store.
Penny Alright, you know they have DVDs over there.
Sheldon Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner.
Penny Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.
Sheldon You mean, like a sweater?
Penny Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print.
Sheldon Is it the geometry that makes it fun.
Penny Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them.
Sheldon Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.
Penny Exactly.
Sheldon Something he wouldn’t buy for himself. Something fun. Something like… oh, an 802.11n wireless router.
Scene Apartment 4A
Leonard Here you go, Copenhagen boy, how about a taste of Hans Christian Hand Grenade. (Raj enters carrying party supplies. Howard waves him away while in the background Leonard is heard saying “oh, that did not feel good.”) Come on, come on, oh you clever little…. Come on, come on, take that!
Howard (Picks up a granola bar from the table, breaks off half and puts it in his back pocket.) Oh-oh. (Louder) Oh-oh!
Leonard What’s the matter?
Howard This granola bar, there’s peanuts in it.
Leonard Oh my God, why did you eat it?
Howard I don’t know, it was just there.
Leonard Well if I had a gun there, would you have shot yourself?
Howard Don’t yell at me, I’ve got to go to the emergency room.
Leonard Now?
Howard No, after my tongue has swollen to the size of a brisket.
Leonard Alright, um, just, uh, let me get my keys.
Howard Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh…. (into phone after Leonard leaves room) The laundry is out of the hamper. (Looks exasperated) Okay Sheldon, what was it supposed to be? Fine, it’s out of the washer. I’ll call you when it’s in the dryer.
Leonard (Running in) Alright, let’s go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.)
Scene The store. Sheldon is looking at two routers.
Sheldon What do you think.
Penny (Pointing randomly) Um, that one.
Sheldon Because of the two additional Ethernet ports.
Penny Sure.
Sheldon He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch
Penny Oh, okay then this one.
Sheldon Why?
Penny I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy.
Sheldon Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did.
Penny Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma?
Sheldon On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes.
Penny Of course.
Sheldon Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike.
Penny No?
Sheldon What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike?
Penny All of them.
Sheldon Really?
Penny Yeah.
Sheldon Huh?
Penny Okay, so we’re getting this one?
Sheldon Yeah, I suppose.
Penny Okay, let’s go.
Random woman Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?
Sheldon I know everything about this stuff.
Woman Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Penny Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available.
Sheldon No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender.
Woman Thank you.
Random guy Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB?
Sheldon It depends on what Bus you have.
Guy I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Sheldon Oh, dear lord.
Penny Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I’ll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don’t say a white one?
Scene The hospital. Howard runs in and up to the counter.
Howard Excuse me.
Nurse Fill this out, have a seat.
Howard No, listen, see we’re throwing my friend a surprise party and I’m supposed to keep him out of his apartment for two hours.
Nurse Uh-huh, fill this out and have a seat.
Howard No, see, the only way I could get him to leave is to tell him I ate a peanut. Because I’m allergic to peanuts.
Nurse Oh, well in that case fill this out and have a seat.
Howard Look, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a band-aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine and they you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half.
Nurse Is that all you need?
Howard Yes.
Nurse Get out of my ER.
Howard No, you don’t understand.
Nurse Oh, I understand, but unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.
Howard Okay, I get it, I know how the world works, how about if I were to introduce you (holding up a five dollar bill) to the man who freed your people.
Nurse Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers you are wasting your time.
Leonard (Running in) Hey, sorry I couldn’t find a parking spot, how are you doing.
Howard Bad, very bad.
Leonard Really, ‘cos you don’t look like you’re swelling up at all, maybe we should just pick up some benedryl at the drug store and go home.
Howard We can’t go home.
Leonard Why not?
Howard Becauth (pretends tongue has swollen up) Becauth-th-th. Brissket, Brissket! Water, need water.
Leonard Alright, I’ll be right back.
Howard (Into phone) Penny, look, I’ve got a problem.
Penny (With Sheldon in background at the head of a large queue of customers) Yeah, well so do I, look you’ve got to stall Leonard a little longer.
Howard I don’t think I can.
Penny You have to, we all have to be there at the same time to yell “surprise!”
Howard Okay, you have to understand something, we’re in a hospital right now.
Penny Why, is Leonard okay.
Howard Leonard’s fine. I’m fine, thanks for asking, by the way.
Penny Okay, I don’t need your attitude, just hold him there a little longer.
Howard Look, I’ve done my best but he wants to go home and I don’t know how to stop him.
Penny Okay, how about this. You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party I’ll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard Don’t toy with me, woman.
Penny I’ve got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I’ve got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around and an alcoholic who’s two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard Thy will be done. (Thinks. Reaches into back pocket, finds the half a granola bar from earlier. Looks down.) I’m doing this for you, little buddy. (Takes a bite.)
Scene The store. Sheldon is on the in-store computer.
Sheldon Okay, we don’t have that in stock, but I can special order it for you.
Penny (With shop assistant, points at Sheldon) Him.
Assistant Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here.
Sheldon Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
Penny Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon Why?
Penny Well, for one thing, we’re late for Leonard’s birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security.
Sheldon (To customer) Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system.
Penny Keep walking.
Sheldon Yeah, 1-2-3-4 is not a secure password.
Scene The hospital.
Leonard Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
Nurse No he’s not.
Leonard Yes he is.
Nurse Look, sir we are very busy here and I just don’t… (sees Howard whose face has swollen all over) holy crap!
Howard Pees hep me!
Nurse Code 4, I need a gurney, right away, right away.
Howard Fank-u.
Scene The stairwell.
Leonard Say what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they’re afraid of lawsuits they sure test everything.
Howard I really don’t think the colonoscopy was necessary.
Leonard You know, before you got all swollen up, I actually thought you were trying to keep me out of the apartment so you could throw me a surprise party.
Howard Oh, right, it’s your birthday, I had no idea it was your birthday, I completely forgot, wow, what a lousy way to spend a birthday, well it’s all over now.
Leonard There is a party, isn’t there.
Howard Maybe.
Leonard Howard.
Howard Are you mad?
Leonard how could I be mad? You actually risked your life because you cared about me.
Howard Yeah, that’s why I did it.
Leonard Alright. Here we go. My first birthday party.
(Opens door. Raj is drunkenly singing True Colors very badly into a microphone with his shirt off and a bandana round his head while waving a beer bottle. Penny and Sheldon are asleep on the couch and armchair respectively.)
Raj Dude! Everybody left an hour ago! Surprise!
Time shift. View of a mobile phone video screen. Raj has a woman sitting on his shoulders.
Raj Okay Leonard, here I am at your birthday party, I don’t know where you are dude, but it’s really kick-ass. Everyone is very very drunk, and uh… (girl pours booze into his mouth) Oh look, there’s a girl taking her shirt off.
Penny That’s my friend Carol. Remind me, I’ve got to introduce her to Howard.
Raj Oh sweet Krishna, shake it, that-a rupee maker.
Penny I’m so sorry you didn’t get your party.
Leonard Oh, it’s okay.
Penny Happy birthday anyways. (She kisses him full on the lips.)
Leonard Hey Penny, when, uh, when’s your birthday?

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