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Transcripts/The Porkchop Indeterminacy

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Missy106

Sheldon and his twin sister Missy.

Season 1 - Episode 15 - The Porkchop Indeterminacy

Scene A corridor at Caltech.
Leonard On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the super collider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the Earth ending life as we know it.
Raj Psh, what a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory man.
Leonard (Looking at an orange notice on the noticeboard) Hey, check it out, the school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers.
Raj We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Why would they be looking for test subjects here?
Leonard I don’t know, Raj. Maybe the comic book store doesn’t have a bulletin board. (Sees crowds in the corridor) What’s going on?
Howard Shhh! Hot girl in Sheldon’s office.
Leonard Sheldon’s office? Is she lost?
Howard Don’t think so. I followed her here from the parking lot.
Leonard Maybe she’s his lawyer.
Howard Well she’s free to examine my briefs.
Leonard Howard…
Howard I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again.
Girl Well, that should do it.
Sheldon Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.
Leonard Oh, hey buddy.
Sheldon Buddy.
Howard Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon How can you be late, I wasn’t expecting you at all.
Howard Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard Sheldon, are you going to introduce us?
Sheldon Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you’ve already met Howard.
Missy It’s nice to meet you.
Leonard You too, swell, also.
Howard Yeah.
Leonard So, how do you two know each other.
Missy Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard Excuse me?
Sheldon She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny, but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.
Missy It’s because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A humormometer?
Howard Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole.
Missy Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and… I’m sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)
Sheldon Rajesh.
Credits sequence
Scene The same.
Leonard So Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas?
Howard Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny.
Missy My friend’s getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night.
Howard Destiny, thy name is Anaheim.
Missy And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate.
Sheldon The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.
Missy I guess that’s why they call you a genius.
Sheldon They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.
Leonard and Howard together Woah, woah.
Leonard If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight?
Missy Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
Sheldon They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues.
Leonard Look, you’re here, we have plenty of room.
Sheldon No we don’t.
Howard Come on, Shelly, she’s family.
Sheldon So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.
Missy Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.
Sheldon And don’t ever call me Shelly.
Leonard So it’s settled. You’ll stay with us.
Howard I’ll walk you to your car. You’re in structure 3 level C, right?
Sheldon What just happened?
Scene Apartment 4A
Missy So anyway, we’re eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.
Leonard Hee-hee, just classic.
Sheldon I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits.
Missy He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.
Sheldon Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.
Missy Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there’s a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone.
Howard Ha-ha, not your eyebrows?
Missy Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.
Sheldon Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical.
Penny (Knocking and entering, holding up a pair of superman undershorts.) Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
Leonard Those are not mine.
Penny Really, they have your little name label in them.
Leonard Yeah, no, I do, I use those… uh… just to polish up my… spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I’m not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon’s twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbor Penny.
Missy Hi.
Penny Wow, you don’t look that much alike.
Howard Can I get a hallelujah.
Sheldon Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.
Howard Hallelujah.
Raj (Running in)Hey, guess what. I’ve been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
Penny Hey, good for you, Raj.
Raj Yes, I’m very hopeful. Hello Missy. (He waves his hand. It keeps waving.) They mentioned there may be side effects.
Scene The same, later.
Raj So, Missy. Have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of India?
Missy Well, there’s Dr Patel at our church.
Raj Ah yes, Dr Patel, good man.
Howard Do you like motorcycles, ‘cos I ride a hog.
Raj A hog? You have a two cylinder scooter with a basket on the front.
Howard You still have to wear a helmet.
Raj Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?
Missy The sex book?
Raj The Indian sex book. In other words if you wonder wonder who wrote the book of love, it was us.
Penny (To Leonard) Hey, Sheldon’s sister’s pretty cute, I w….
Leonard I wasn’t staring!
Penny I didn’t say you were, I just said she was cute.
Leonard Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect.
Penny Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
Sheldon I’m not ignoring my sister. I’m ignoring all of you.
Leonard I brought snacks.
Missy Oh my! Gherkins and….
Leonard Onion dip, it’s onion dip.
Missy Oh.
Leonard We don’t entertain much.
Raj Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy I guess.
Raj We Indians invented them. You’re welcome.
Howard Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You’re welcome!
Penny Missy, I’m going to go get my nails done. Do you want to come?
Missy God yes. Thanks.
Penny You’re welcome.
Missy Bye guys.
Howard Bye Missy.
Leonard Bye Missy, see you.
Penny Goodbye Leonard!
Leonard Uh, yeah, no, uh, bye Penny.
Howard Okay, you two have to back off.
Raj Why should I back off, you back off dude.
Leonard Excuse me, this is my apartment and she’s my roommate’s sister.
Howard So what, you’ve already got Penny.
Leonard How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Howard So I can have Penny?
Leonard Hell, no!
Sheldon Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni?
Leonard Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?
Sheldon I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.
Leonard Thank you.
Sheldon That’s okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Howard I’m a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas!
Raj Hey, look at me, I don’t have a foreskin.
Scene Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?
Sheldon Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence.
Leonard That’s fascinating, but I…
Sheldon I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.
Leonard Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister.
Sheldon Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought.
Leonard That’s great, but I….
Sheldon What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.
Leonard Whatever. You have to do something about it.
Sheldon Why?
Leonard Because she’s your sister.
Sheldon I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways.
Leonard Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.
Sheldon I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.
Leonard Uh-huh.
Sheldon So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself.
Leonard Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister’s future offspring.
Sheldon You’re right. If someone wants to get at Missy’s fallopian tubes, they’ll have to go through me.
Scene The living room. Raj and Howard are on the floor, fighting.
Raj I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman!
Howard I’m warning you, I was judo champion at math camp.
Sheldon Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
Howard Who are you to decide that?
Leonard He’s the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes.
Sheldon You’re out too, by the way.
Leonard Say what?
Sheldon It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie.
Howard (To Raj, who is smiling) What are you so happy about?
Raj I’m not happy, it’s the medication, I can’t stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)
Sheldon Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister.
Howard Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?
Leonard We all make mistakes, let’s move on.
Raj Excuse me, but I think you’re missing a big opportunity here.
Sheldon How so?
Raj Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte.
Sheldon In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.
Raj (Waving finger at him) I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)
Howard Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.
Sheldon This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother.
Leonard Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.
Sheldon Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.
Missy (Who has just entered) Oh really?
Sheldon Oops.
Missy Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone?
Sheldon Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.   
Leonard (To Penny who is standing next to him grinning) We all make mistakes, let’s move on.
Scene Sheldon’s bedroom.
Missy Okay. I’m not even going to ask why you’re pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with?
Sheldon Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.
Missy What on earth are you talking about?
Sheldon Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.
Missy And what do you mean, mediocre stock?
Sheldon That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will.
Missy Sheldon 2.0?
Sheldon Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.
Missy You have got to be kidding me!
Sheldon Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation.
Missy Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people.
Sheldon I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended.
Missy I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Re
Missy Cooper

Missy

member? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.)
Sheldon I have an alternate proposal.
Missy Go on.
Sheldon You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins.
Scene The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area.
Sheldon Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants.
Scene The same, later.
Howard Look, we have to settle this.
Leonard I agree. Sheldon’s sister is hiding at Penny’s because we’ve all been hitting on her at the same time.
Raj She’s not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother who’s apparently very sick. Oh, and then I believe she has to wash her hair.
Howard Oh, you poor, deluded bastard.
Raj Don’t start with me dude.
Howard You want to go again? Let’s go.
Leonard Sit down.
Howard Okay.
Leonard If we’re going to fight over Missy, let’s do it the right way. The honorable way.
(Time shift. Sheldon enters to hear sounds of fighting. It becomes apparent that the guys are playing a boxing game on a Nintendo Wii.)
Leonard And he’s down!
Howard Come on, come on, get up.
Leonard Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work.
Sheldon I weep for humanity.
Leonard Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news. (Leaves and knocks on Penny’s door.)
Penny (Answering) Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard Hi Penny, how’s it going. Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
Penny Uh, pretty much, why?
Leonard Nothing, just catching up. By the way, may I speak to Missy please?
Penny Of course.
Missy Hi, Leonard, what’s up?
Leonard Well, since you’re leaving tomorrow I was wondering if you’d like to go out to dinner with me?
Missy That’s so sweet. But no thanks.
Leonard Oh. You have other plans, or…?
Missy No.
Leonard Oh. Alright uh… enjoy the rest of your evening.
Missy Thanks. See you.
Leonard (Returning) Um, here’s something we didn’t anticipate.
(Time shift. Penny opens door to Howard.)
Penny What do you want, Howard?
Howard I’m fine, thanks for asking. I’ve come to call on Missy.
Penny Missy?
Missy Hi Howard.
Howard The amazing Howard. Do you like magic?
Missy Not really. No.
Howard Then you are in for a treat. Behold, an ordinary cane. (Taps against doorpost. While humming he tries to perform a trick, but the cane falls in half with a yellow handkerchief flying out. Howard has to retrieve the pieces.) Da-dah! (Emerges with the handkerchief, on which are written the words “will you go out with me?”)
Missy102
Missy No.
Howard Okay. (Does something with hands, from which another yellow handkerchief emerges. This one reads “are you sure?” Missy closes the door.)
(Time shift. Penny opens the door to Raj.)
Penny Missy?
Raj Thank you. I apprec…. (looks panicked) apprec…. appreeee…. oh-oh.
Penny Oh, honey, is your medication wearing off?  (Raj nods.)
Missy Oh, hi, cutie pie. I was hoping you’d show up.
(Raj attempts to speak. All that emerges is a high pitched wail. After a few more attempts he turns and leaves down the stairs, still making the same sound.)
Missy We had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down.
Scene The stairwell. Missy and Sheldon are descending.
Missy Any news you want me to pass along to Mom?
Sheldon Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory.
Missy Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey.
Sheldon Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)
Missy Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you.
Sheldon Really?
Missy Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist.
Sheldon You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?
Missy Well yeah.
Sheldon I’m a theoretical physicist.
Missy What’s the difference?
Sheldon What’s the difference?
Missy Goodbye Shelly.
Sheldon My God! Why don’t you just tell them I’m a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating.

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