Transcripts/The Griffin Equivalency

Howard and Penny.

Season 2 - Episode 4 - The Griffin Equivalency

Scene	The apartment. Leonard is sorting out Chinese food.
Leonard	Let's see, Raj was the Kung Palo Chicken.
Penny	I'm the dumplings.
Howard	Yes, you are.
Penny	Creepy, Howard.
Howard	Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard	Who was the Shrimp with Lobster Sauce?
Howard	That would be me. Come to Poppa, you un-kosher delight. (To Penny) I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny	Sit over there.
Sheldon (entering, to Penny who is in his spot)	Sit over there. Baby wipe?
Penny	What do you have....
Leonard and Howard together	Don't! Don't! Don't!
Sheldon	I'll tell you why.
Leonard and Howard	O-o-o-oh!
Sheldon	I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.
Penny	I thought the blowers were more sanitary?
Leonard and Howard	Why? Don't!
Sheldon	Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Raj (entering excitedly)	Hey guys, I just got the most amazing new... (spots Penny) ew-ew-ew
Penny	Gosh, Raj, do you think you'll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk? (Shakes head.) Okay, well, I'll just, um, go eat by myself.
Leonard	Penny, you don't have to do that.
Penny	No, it's okay, between (indicates Raj) him not talking, (indicates Sheldon) him talking and... (indicates Howard) him, I'm better off alone, so, (to Raj) goodbye you poor strange little man (gives him a kiss and exits.)
Raj	She's so considerate.
Howard	So what's your news?
Raj	Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?
Leonard	Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen.
Raj	Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.
Leonard and Howard together	Well, wow, that's incredible.
Sheldon	Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?
Raj	Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.
Sheldon	If I had a million guesses I never would have gotten that.
Raj	It's pretty cool, they've got me in with a guy who's doing something about hunger in Indonesia, and a psychotherapist who's using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners, and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
Howard	Oh, I'd so do her.
Leonard	You'd do the dolphins.
Howard	Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used.
Raj	Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard	Poverty? Your father's a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.
Raj	It's a lease.
Sheldon	I'm confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?
Raj	Peer review? It's People magazine. People picked me.
Sheldon	What people?
Raj	The people from People.
Sheldon	Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that's been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?
Raj	Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren't giving her this kind of crap.
Leonard	Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon	In general, yes.
Credits sequence
Scene	Sheldon's office. He is making annotations on his board.
Sheldon	Oh, there's my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren't you, you little subatomic Dickens?
Leonard (entering with Howard)	Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon	Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino.
Howard	Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.
Leonard	Well, we’re going to go apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon	Apologize, for what?
Leonard	Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren't very supportive.
Sheldon	I sense you're trying to tell me something.
Howard	You were a colossal ass-hat.
Sheldon	Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard	Really, do tell.
Sheldon	How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard	Okay, let's try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon	I had not considered that.
Leonard	Come on.
Sheldon	I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.
Howard	He can feel sadness?
Leonard	Not really, it's what you and I would call condescension.
Scene	Outside Raj's office.
Leonard	And when we go in there, let's show Raj that we’re happy for him.
Sheldon	But I'm not.
Howard	Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I'm bigger than that.
Sheldon	Fine, what do you want me to do?
Leonard	Smile. (He does, exaggeratedly.)
Howard	Oh crap, that's terrifying.
Leonard	We’re here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman.
Howard	Try less teeth. (Does. It isn't much better.)
Leonard	Close enough, come on. (Knocking and entering.) Hi Raj.
Raj	Hey guys, what's up?
Howard	We just wanted to invite you out to dinner tonight.
Leonard	Celebrate your thirty under thirty thing. Right Sheldon? (He smiles.)
Raj	It's very nice of you, I would like that.
Gablehauser (entering)	Hello boys.
Raj	Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehauser	Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard	Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser	Dr Hoffstadter.
Sheldon	Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser	Dr Cooper.
Howard	Dr Gablehauser.
Gablehauser	Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star?
Raj	Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.
Gablehauser	I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.
Sheldon	Well, you didn't discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.
Leonard	Sheldon!
Sheldon	Oh, sorry. (Smiles)
Gablehauser	Well, we’ve got to get you into a better office, something more suited to your status.
Raj	Really, you don't have to go to any trouble.
Gablehauser	How about if I put you in Von Gerlick's old office?
Raj	I'd rather have Fishbine's, it's bigger.
Gablehauser	Done.
Howard	Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine's office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.
Sheldon	He gets a new office, I can't even get paper towels in the men's room?
Leonard	Sheldon.
Sheldon	Damn, this is hard. (Smiles)
Gablehauser	Let me ask you something, what do you think the business of this place is?
Leonard (after he, Sheldon and Howard whisper to each other)	Science?
Gablehauser	Money.
Howard	Told you.
Gablehauser	And this boy's picture in People magazine is going to raise us a pile of money taller than... well, taller than you (ruffling Howard's hair.)
Howard	I have a master's degree.
Gablehauser	Who doesn't? Dr. Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch in the President's dining room?
Raj	I didn't even know there was a President's dining room.
Gablehauser	It's the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy.
Raj	Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)
Leonard	You can stop smiling now.
Sheldon	Aaaah!
Scene	A restaurant.
Raj	So anyway, after a fantastic lunch I was whisked off to the People magazine photo shoot... have any of you boys ever been to a photo shoot?
Leonard	No.
Raj	It's fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They're going to digitally add a supernova, they say it's the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.
Sheldon	Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.)
Raj	Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard	They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling)	Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard	Not yet.
Raj	Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Leonard	You just got him this afternoon.
Raj	Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard	A lackey?
Raj	Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon	Now?
Leonard	Almost.
Raj	Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard	Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj	Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon	There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)
Penny (bringing another grasshopper)	Here you go, Raj, you might want to drink this one slowly.
Raj	Okay, so, Saturday night, can I count on my posse?
Howard	Gee, I'd love to Raj, but I can't make it.
Raj	Oh, okay, Leonard?
Leonard	Well, uh, no I... the... no.
Raj	Sheldon?
Sheldon	I can make it, but I won't.
Penny	What are you guys talking about?
Raj	Well, there's a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.
Penny	And you guys aren't going? I can't believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you're not even going to be there to support him?
Sheldon	A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard	That would be cool. I'd go to that reception.
Penny	Come on, this is huge, Raj is going to be in People magazine. And he didn't even have to knock up one of the Spears sisters.
Raj	Would you like to go with me?
Penny	Of course I would, I would be honored.
Raj	Really? Cool.
Penny	Shame on you guys. (Leaves)
Raj	Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can't believe it took you a whole year.
Sheldon	Now?
Leonard	Now. (They all get up and leave. Raj looks around himself, then leans over to the next table.)
Raj	Hey, buddy. I'm going to be in people magazine.
Charlie Sheen (turning round)	Yeah, call me when you're on the cover.
Scene	Outside Penny's door. Raj in a suit knocks on the door with his foot as he has a glass of champagne in both hands. He drinks one. Penny opens door, she is dressed up also.
Penny	Oh, Raj, look at you!
Raj	I know, I am resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not?
Penny	Um, yeah, starting with the champagne a little early aren't you?
Raj	It was in the limo. They sent a limo. I have a limo. I just love saying limo. Here, sip on this while you're getting ready.
Penny	Oh, I'm ready.
Raj	That's what you're wearing.
Penny	Um, yeah, why what's wrong with it?
Raj	Nothing, I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, redonkulous.
Penny	Yeah, well, this is all the donkulous you're gonna get.
Raj	Okey dokey, let's roll. Alright, it's time to raise the roof. Oo-ooh, oo-ooh.
Penny (to Leonard who is just coming up the stairs)	Hey Leonard.
Leonard	Hey.
Raj	Dude.
Leonard	You look very nice.
Raj and Penny together	Thank you.
Penny	Uh, come on, good night Leonard.
Leonard	Good night.
Raj	Hey, Leonard, did you see my limo downstairs.
Leonard	Yeah.
Raj	It's bigger than the house my grandfather grew up in.
Leonard	Terrific.
Raj	It has more food too.
Penny	Alright, come on, come on.
Raj (leaving, singing)	I'm coming up so you better get this party started.
Leonard (entering apartment)	Hey.
Howard	Hey, good news, you don't have to sulk about Penny any more, look, there are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
Leonard	Anythingforagreencard.com?
Howard	I'll lend you my user name, it's wealthybigpenis.
Leonard	You're joking.
Howard	Well, you gotta make it easy for them, they're just learning English.
Leonard	Pass.
Howard	So you're just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Doctor Apu from the Kwik-e-Mart?
Leonard	It's not a date, and that's racist.
Howard	It can't be racist, he's a beloved character on the Simpsons.
Leonard	Let's just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.
Sheldon	Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?
Leonard	Yes.
Sheldon	Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Leonard	Yes.
Sheldon	Brown rice, not white?
Leonard	Yes.
Sheldon	Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.
Leonard	Yes.
Sheldon	Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?
Leonard	Yes.
Sheldon	Thank you.
Leonard	You're welcome.
Sheldon	What took you so long?
Leonard	Just sit down and eat.
Sheldon	Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.)
Leonard	Alright, it's shredded, what do you want me to do?
Sheldon	I want you to check before you accept the order.
Leonard	Sorry.
Sheldon	Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?
Leonard	He's not going to have intercourse with Penny.
Sheldon	Then there's no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.
Howard	Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle.
Sheldon	That's Northwest Texas, I'm from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.
Leonard	Do the shrimpers feature in your story?
Sheldon	No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.
Howard	Lucky?
Sheldon	Yes, Lucky.
Leonard	He's irony impaired, just move on.
Howard	Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue.
Sheldon	While others mourned Lucky, I realized his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.
Howard	So, not a puppy?
Sheldon	Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.
Leonard	A griffin?
Sheldon	Yes, half eagle, half lion.
Leonard	And mythological.
Sheldon	Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
Howard	Sheldon, not that we don't all enjoy a good lion semen story, what's your point.
Sheldon	My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.
Leonard	You want to breed a new friend?
Sheldon	That's one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they're doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.
Howard	Sheldon, don't take this the wrong way, but, you're insane.
Leonard	That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon	Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.
Leonard	If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard	And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon	He should share our love of technology.
Howard	And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard	Yeah, let's see, money, women, technology, okay we’re agreed, our new friend is going to be Iron Man.
Scene	Raj's apartment. Raj is heard singing in a drunk voice through the door. He enters with his arm around Penny.
Raj	Welcome to the Raj Mahal.
Penny	Yes, it's very nice, goodnight Raj.
Raj	No, wait, the evening's not over.
Penny	Yes it is.
Raj	No, it's time to put on some R. Kelly and suck face.
Penny	Oh, wow, is the evening over.
Raj (as a ringing noise is heard)	Wait, wait, that's my mummy and daddy calling from India. I want you to meet my parents.
Penny	Wait, meet them.
Raj (inhales deeply, picks up laptop, presses a button. His mother and father appear on the screen)	Hello mummy and daddy, good to see you. I'm not drunk.
Mrs. Koothrappali	Why would you say that?
Raj	Just making conversation. Mummy, daddy, I want you to meet my new squeeze, Penny.
Penny	I am not your squeeze. There is no squeezing.
Dr. Koothrappali	I can't see her, center her in the frame.
Raj	Here you go, cute huh?
Mrs. Koothrappali	She's not Indian.
Dr. Koothrappali	So, she's not Indian, the boy's just sowing some wild oats.
Penny	No, no, there's no sowing, no squeezing, and no sucking face.
Mrs. Koothrappali	What if he gets her pregnant. Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren.
Raj	What right do you have to pick who I can have children with?
Dr. Koothrappali	Look, Rajesh, I understand, you're in America, you want to try the local cuisine. But trust me, you don't want it for a steady diet.
Raj	Now you listen to me, I am no longer a child, and I will not be spoken to like one. Now if you'd excuse me, I have to go throw up.
Mrs. Koothrappali	What's wrong with him?
Penny	I don't know, maybe it's the local cuisine. Okay, well, it's nice to meet you, just gonna set you on down over here, and I'm going to leave so, Namaste. (Leaves, then almost immediately returns) And FYI, you'd be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law.
Dr. Koothrappali	She's feisty. I like that.
Scene	Penny's apartment. She is in her bathrobe. A note slides under the door.
Penny (opening door to find Raj outside)	Raj, what are you doing. (He hands her the note). No. No notes. If you have something to say to me, say it.
Raj (tries several times. Finally, in a high pitched squeak)	Sorry.
Penny	Oh, sweetie, it's okay. (She hugs him. As she does, Leonard exits his apartment to see Penny, in bathrobe, hugging Raj who is apparently about to leave. As she goes back inside, Raj turns, smiles, and puts both thumbs up. Leonard turns, with an upset look, to Sheldon who is standing behind him. Sheldon gives him his exaggerated smile.)

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